Second Coming Thwarted

In breaking news, Shining City Gazette has confirmed earlier reports that in late October of 2005 the US Department of Homeland Security captured Jesus of Nazareth within minutes of his much anticipated arrival for the Second Coming.

Acting on a tip from either Israeli intelligence or Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, it’s not clear which, Border Patrol agents in Scottsdale, Arizona detained Mr. Christ without incident as he was attempting to get the attention of the crowds gathered for the grand opening of an IKEA superstore.

In January 2009, President Barack Obama reportedly concurred wholeheartedly with his predecessor’s decision to indefinitely detain Mr. Christ even though that could mean forever, reasoning that messages regarding peace on earth, loving one’s enemies, doing unto others as you’d have them do unto you, and handing the earth over to the meek are outdated and even extremely dangerous in a post 9/11 world.

According to highly classified documents,  since 2005 Mr. Christ has been held at an undisclosed black site where He is said to blend in easily with the unkempt terrorists.

So easily, in fact, that due to an unfortunate clerical error, He was mistaken at one point in 2006 for the so-called Jack of Clubs and subjected for several days to enhanced interrogation techniques.

Mistakenly preserved videotapes of the interrogation show Mr. Christ infuriating his interrogators by repeatedly seeming to call their abilities as enhanced interrogators into question.

A subsequent routine quality control review of the translator’s performance revealed that far from mocking his tormenters’ inability to break him, Mr. Christ was actually requesting that they be forgiven for they knew not what they were doing.

There is growing speculation that this simple misunderstanding, which made Mr. Christ seem like a near impossible nut to crack, was the catalyst behind the secret memo in which DOJ legal advisors John Yoo and Jay Bybee lay out the legal justification for venturing outside the parameters they established in their memos laying out the legal justification for venturing outside the parameters of US and international laws against torture.

What is known to be known is that under double enhanced interrogation, Mr. Christ confessed to being the mastermind of an Al Qaeda plot to stone the president of the United States to death.

The reliability of this intelligence, however, is said to have been placed in doubt when Mr. Christ subsequently gave up the secret whereabouts of God. Said one source close to the case, “When He told us God was hiding in a bush in the Gobi Desert, we knew we had a problem. We’ve had God safely detained in a subterranean holding cell at Roswell since early in the Reagan administration.”

Editor’s Note: Thanks to all who participated in our reader’s poll to decide how Shining City Gazette would refer to the interrogation techniques formerly known as torture. For your edification, running a close second to “Enhanced Interrogation” was “Patriotic Acts of Torment” or PATs for short.