A new and rapidly growing special interest group calling
itself The People today unveiled its plan to buy America’s elected officials
back from the nation’s corporate class.
Sources inside The People’s Think Tank have told Shining
City Gazette that The People will be collecting up all the tax-relief bones
thrown at them in the current so-called fiscal dog and pony show posing as
something other than another big corporate giveaway and using them to make the
owners of America’s political class a deal they can’t refuse.
Said The People’s spokesperson Joe Tanaka, “We’re going to
exploit corporate America’s well known short-sighted obsession with turning
unheard of profits.
“If the debt ceiling talks go the way we think they’re going
to go, we’ll soon be in a position to pay the corporations up to twice what
they’re currently paying for the members of the legislative branch of our
country.
“What’s really great is that the corporate negotiators we’re
already working with have committed to pulling every string they can to secure
a debt ceiling deal in Washington that puts enough consolation money in the
pockets of The People that we can swing this Congress buy-back deal.
“Then with Congress working on our dime instead of Wall
Street’s we should soon have the resources to buy back the Executive branch
and, knock wood, ultimately the Judicial. With all three branches of government
in our pocket we can then start working to institute economic policies that
help us recoup all the high annual costs of owning the three branches of
government.”
Said Betty Havens, treasurer of The People’s Think Tank, “Certainly
it will hurt to spend any alms that slip through the fingers of the super rich
on making the super rich richer. And I know it seems pretty dumb to spend any
money, much less billions, on a pack of ambitious, self-interested, big-headed,
money-grubbing, double-dealing rats like our elected officials and the
right-wing justices on the Supreme Court.
“But at the same time it feels pretty darn good to be
fighting the fire of runaway corruption with a little fire of our own.”
“Oh my god,” said Phillip Anderson, Corporate America’s
chief negotiator with The People, “it’s like taking candy from a baby. A
retarded baby. A blind retarded baby with a kick-me sign on its back. I
honestly don’t know if it’s hilarious or sad or just plain adorable.
“With a grand total of exactly no intellectual capital The
People arrive at our bargaining table and start offering us twice the market price
for a preening load of boobs and stooges and Keystone Cops on the take.
“I mean outside the confines of our capitalist system you’d
almost have to feel a little sorry about the butterfingers The People were born
with when it comes to grasping that all those thumbs they were born with when
it comes to grabbing for and holding on to money means they need to just keep
walking on their two left economic feet right past the old upward mobility
ladder.
“I can’t tell you how hard it is sometimes to watch The
People carry on about buying the politicians back from us when just a couple
weeks ago our numbers crunchers determined that in these times of high
inflation in the politician market it is more cost effective to just pay voters
to vote for the people we want.
“So now, we’ll let The People overextend themselves by
paying ridiculous prices for their now even more worthless elected officials so
it will take less money to buy their votes for the elected officials who will
let us suck more and more money out of the system so it will cost us less and
less to buy the votes for the elected officials who let us suck more and more
money out of the system.”
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