Armchair Whistleblowers Gather

According to event organizers, the McCormick Convention Center in Chicago has been stretched to well beyond capacity by the record number of the country's pundits attending the 42nd Annual Armchair Whistleblowers Conference in the Windy City.

Said Nate Russell, the so-called armchairman of the Conference Planning Committee, "There's just so much to talk about this year here at what we're calling the mother of all water coolers. It's like one big month of Superbowl Mondays, but without the hangover and onion dip breath and GI issues.

"I just hope an actual whistleblower didn't sneak into this Chicago fire waiting to happen all over again while we violate who knows how many fire codes in all the packed break-out sessions.

"But then again, what whistleblower's heroic enough to stoke the fire breathing ire of a mustered army of professional second guessers when it comes to the disclosing of lawlessness."

NBC's David Gregory began his lengthy keynote address by congratulating the standing room only crowd in the Convention Center's Main Ballroom on a job well done with regard to uncovering all the real stories behind the story that the whistle has been blown on unbelievably widespread unconstitutional government spying.

Said Mr. Gregory, "Two cents worth at a time you have piled up a truly newsworthy jackpot of column inches over these past few weeks. Well done everybody."

Mr. Gregory went on to remind conventioneers that it was on a Sunday in 1971 that Chicago's native son Daniel Ellsberg helped kick off this annual gathering of Monday morning whistleblowers when the New York Times published the first installment of the Pentagon Papers he leaked.

After a rousing hand for the Times and/or Mr. Ellsberg, Mr. Gregory exhorted his audience to never forget the debt of gratitude the Establishment Media owes the institution of whistleblowing.

"For one thing," said Mr. Gregory, striking a lighter note, "thanks to Edward Snowden you can all put your pens and notepads away. We've been able to arrange for the NSA to provide us a full and complete set of notes on any and all conference activities."

Continuing in this jocular vein, Mr. Gregory asked Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel, seated on the dais, if he wouldn't mind thanking his former boss for having lured so many whistleblowers out into the open by lavishly praising them in advance in his 2008 presidential campaign.

Quipped Mr. Emanuel, "Thank him yourself. I'm sure he's listening in."

Ending on a more serious note, Mr. Gregory introduced the theme of the 2013 conference--"Uncoverage". Said Mr. Gregory, "Uncoverage. Let us all keep resolving over the next few days to always keep covering the uncoverage of the stories that too often get covered when the blowing of whistles starts kicking up dust."

Said Planning Committee armchairman Russell, "The titles of the conference sessions give a good sense, I think, of just how exciting this year's gathering is: 'Hey, the Cat out of Your Bag Just Crapped in My Garden'; 'Deep Throat This: Blowing it in the Time of the Benevolent Unitary Executive'; 'Whistleblowing Dixie'; 'Smile, Big Brother's Watching You Not Watching Big Brother'; 'La La La La La: Not Facing the Music of Your Whistleblowing'; 'Thanks a Lot: Extramarital Conference Sessions (or Lack Thereof) in a Post-Snowden World'.

"I'm personally looking forward to CNBC's Andrew Ross Sorkin's 'Tuesday Morning Armchair Whistleblowing: Protocols for Commenting on the Comments of Monday Morning Whistleblowers'.

"And MSNBC's Melissa Harris-Perry's 'Squeal Like a Flying Pig' should also be great. I hear Professor Harris-Perry's boldly proposing that all government and/or private employees with top secret clearance status be made to sign an oath to the effect that if and/or when they break their oath to not blow the whistle on government wrongdoing they will submit to the penalties imposed by a government prone, if not addicted to, chronic wrongdoing.

"Professor Harris-Perry's expected to unveil a table for keying the degree to which one may claim to be a whistleblower to the degree of unjust persecution one suffers for revealing injustice."