The Wall Street Journal is reporting a growing rift between the Confraternity of Corporate Persons and the Confederation of Staunch Republican E-Voting Moguls.
At issue is the CCP’s plan to save as much as a billion dollars in the next election cycle by simply not bothering at all with manipulating the general election.
Said CCP president General Electric, “We feel it’s completely unfair that we’re almost singlehandedly having to foot the bill for maintaining the pretense that it matters at all whether Republicans or Democrats win in these elections.
“I’m sorry, but it’s not our job to keep pouring hundreds of millions of campaign donation dollars worth of essentially intra-corporation welfare into the right-wing e-voting industry’s efforts to keep suckering the conservative powers that be into believing they need truckloads of easily rigged e-voting products in every precinct across the land to achieve their unpopular economic ends.
“I mean, we corporate persons are still a little young, but it wasn’t a turnip truck we fell off of when we landed in the lap of America. Why should we have to bankroll the nonsense that neoliberalism loses when Democrats win?”
Responded Republican e-voting mogul Trent Stockton, “It’s not just us the CCP royally screws if it stops playing ball. And it’s not just the rest of the multi-billion-dollar year-round perennial campaign economy either.
“You can’t find a corporate grown-up in the room who’s seeing how anybody makes any money in the chaos of these corporate snotnoses blowing up the illusion of a democratic, two-party system by not picking one side over the other. What the hell do they think they were born for?”
“For one thing,” said Mr. Electric of the CCP, “Trent is wildly overestimating how much the American voting public doesn’t know about how ridiculously miniscule the difference is between the Democrats and Republicans when it comes to economic matters.
“Nobody’s truly fooling anybody. Come on. You think people can’t see what corporate profits have done in the middle of this great recession with a Democrat in the White House? What has the One Percent gobbled up, something like 93% of the recovery?
“And for another thing, to preserve the flimsy illusion that Republicans and Democrats want different things while also preserving policies that continue the upward flood of money, all you’d have to do is have the House and the Senate and maybe the blue and purple statehouses use e-voting in the process of deciding important legislation battles.
“The Democrats we’ve spoken to would kill for the cover the blatant specter of electronic legislative voting fraud would give them, particularly in light of the American left’s seemingly impervious will to believe the system’s just dandy except for a few little technical glitches.
“Listen,” added Mr. Electric, “the bottom line is that all the Confederation of Staunch Republican E-Voting Moguls is worried about is their own bottom line. “
In other business news, a rift is reportedly widening between the For-Profit Detention Industry and the US government over the policy of granting blanket criminal immunity to Wall Street and Pentagon and government elites.
Said Big House, Inc. CEO Tony Walton, “First it was Bush, now it’s Obama. Thousands upon thousands if not millions of years worth of high-end incarceration right down the drain. It’s so typical. Thanks to government policy we’re going to need a government subsidy to make our industry profitable enough to keep attracting top talent like myself.”