At their semi-biennial gathering in Kansas City, Missouri,
the League of Low-to-No-Information Voters announced today that they were
leaning “pretty heavily” toward endorsing Mitch (sic) Romney in the upcoming
presidential election.
Said League president Todd Powell in his opening address,
“It’s still possible in the few months it has left for the Obama campaign to
win our backing, particularly since it’s taking longer than expected for our
Democratic Principles Committee to find a system for giving all League members
a fair say in this important endorsement decision.
“But in light of what we’ve heard about what’s been taking
place in the debates, if the election were held today—which, just to be clear,
it’s not—we’d most likely have to go with Romney.”
The buzz stirred up in the room by these apparently
unexpected remarks made it very difficult to hear what Mr. Powell was saying
about which tables would be invited up to the buffet first.
On the other hand, Decorating Committee Chair Sara Hunter,
sitting at Table One, could clearly be heard saying, “I just wish somebody had
told me this endorsement was coming. I could have gone exclusively with blue
bunting. The red bunting makes no sense now.”
“Don’t you mean the blue bunting makes no sense now?” asked
a lady from Table Three. “I’m pretty sure red is for Republican.”
Said Ms. Hunter, “And I’m pretty sure red is also for Communist,
which in case you haven’t heard, Obama is one.”
“Wait a minute. Obama’s the Republican?” asked a man at
Table Seven, setting off a spirited debate in the room that Mr. Powell had to
quell with his gavel.
In the ensuing quiet, a man at Table Four asked the League
President, “Are you sure the election’s not being held today?”
In the pause that followed, as Mr. Powell consulted his
notes, a woman at Table Eight said, “I’m pretty sure elections are held in
November, in which case we’ve got considerably less than a few months to find a
way to find out how to determine who a majority of us want to endorse.”
“Aren’t we in August?” asked Mr. Powell, setting off a
spirited debate that lasted through lunch.
During the dessert course, one middle-aged man from Indiana
sitting at the same table as this Shining City Gazette reporter captured the political
mood in the room when he said, “I just get the feeling the Obama people can’t
relate to the common man. I heard that at the debates and on the campaign trail
they have kept demanding that Mr. Romney and that egghead with the big ears
explain all the math behind their plan to cut all taxes and erase our deficit
and preserve our entitlements and strengthen our military forces.
“Seriously? Are you kidding me? I mean here I am, getting
myself trained in burger flipping after a long hard day of training a couple of
Chinese guys to do the job I’m losing because another greedy corporate bastard
wasn’t getting filthy rich enough by exploiting American workers, and now I’m
supposed to retrain myself in arithmetic so I can double-check all the numbers
the Obama people want Romney to dump on us.
“The Romney people, they understand that we’ve maybe got
more to worry about than correcting their math for them.”
Said one man who joined the table late because he thought
the meeting was in Kansas City, Kansas, “I’m leaning toward Mitch (sic) Romney
for president and Joe Biden for vice president. That weaselly, bug-eyed goober
Joe debated just annoys the hell out of me.
“I think my wife’s going to cancel me out by voting the
other way around, though, so I may end up just not voting at all.”
Added an elderly woman who actually watched the first
presidential debate, “I’m probably going to vote for that distinguished older
gentleman from the Moderator Party I believe it was called.
“He didn’t say much in the debate, but he had the kind of
take-charge attitude I like in my presidents. Tim I believe his name was. Or
maybe Larry.”
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