In an exclusive interview, the Surveillance State division’s
Director of Research and Development Dr. Anthony Parks recently shared with
Shining City Gazette some of the exciting new fronts in its all-out push to get
SS off the taxpayer dime.
As one example, in an effort made possible by a sizable
grant from the Pharmaceutical Research and Manufacturers of America
Association, the agency is looking into ways to capitalize on the creepy
unremitting SS-generated feeling among Americans that they are being watched.
According to Dr. Parks, this chronic, around-the-clock
sensation has dangerously over-agitated the fear centers of the phobia-prone
conservative mind. To a degree that is threatening to shred the American social
fabric, conservatives have grown irrationally afraid of women and their bodies,
Muslims, gays, socialists, truth, science, black people, brown people, their
shadows, even fear itself.
Said Dr. Parks, “I wish I could share with you some of the
crazy paranoiac right-wing activities we’ve stumbled onto as we’ve turned over
every stone in America in our search for Islamic terrorists.
“We are obviously not going to let the terrorists win by
letting the surveillance state they made necessary tear America apart. So we’re
working closely with PhRMA to develop a drug, perhaps one in the SSRI family,
that will chill conservative Americans out enough to avert a meltdown, but not
so much that they can’t continue to see the dire need for a surveillance state.
“If all goes well, by this time next month the SS division
will be collecting its 20% of the revenues on these new bullets if you will in
the War on Terror.”
On another front, the SS division is exploring ways to
exploit the electoral element of the American democratic system.
Explained Dr. Parks, “We’ve got way more than enough
information on every American citizen of voting age to predict how they will
vote in any given race and on any given issue with a tiny margin of error that
actual voting can’t come close anymore to competing with.
“Oh my god, I wish I could share with Shining City Gazette
some of the unbelievable electronic voting fraud activities we’ve picked up in
our hunt for terrorists. If the American public knew what I know, they wouldn’t
bother going to the polls anyway.”
According to Dr. Parks, the good news for the agency on the
voting front is that there are so many Americans facing the array of obstacles
that Republicans have been placing between them and the voting booth. The bad
news is that these Americans are all mostly too poor to afford what SS would
have to charge to determine and register their voting wishes for them.
Added Dr. Parks, “Of course in this increasingly
election-based economy, the good idea to move to a best-estimation-based voting
system is meeting with stiff resistance from any number of public and private parties.”
Perhaps the plan with the greatest potential for generating
funds, according to Dr. Parks, involves the so-called gold mine of
incriminating information on which the SS division is sitting.
Advisors at the Department of Justice are even now working
on the last draft of a memo laying out the legal justification for subjecting
Americans to blackmail and other forms of extortion.
“According to my sources,” said Dr. Parks, “which by the way
are let’s just say pretty good, the lawyers over at the DOJ are having a little
trouble finding the right weasel words for the behaviors in question.
Apparently ‘Enhanced Changing of Hands’ isn’t striking quite the right note to
some ears.”
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