In a much needed piece of good news regarding the
president’s now controversial killer drone program, the New York Times is
reporting the government leak of a story about a signature drone strike in
Pakistan that serendipitously annihilated a grief-stricken widower just as he
was about to open fire on dozens of children courageously gathered for the
re-opening of a drone strike-damaged elementary school.
According to the leak, thought to have originated from the
president’s secret Office of Selective Transparency, the militant in question
had luckily been exhibiting patterns of behavior almost doubly consistent with
his being a militant.
In particular, his age, his sex, his country of residence,
and his having lost a wife by drone strike put him front and center on
America’s radar screen just in time for America to avert a deadly school
shooting in Pakistan along the lines of what America is witnessing in America.
Anonymous sources close to the leak have told Shining City
Gazette that the militant in question, before becoming a militant by dint of
his being surgically annihilated by a drone strike, was actually not a
militant.
In a rambling note left behind at his house, the militant in
question to-be apparently promised to shoot as many elementary schoolers as
there were bullets for his legally purchased high capacity assault rifle to
avenge the death of his young bride, who in recent days had innocently crossed
deadly paths with a gang of careless school children playing chicken with an overhead
drone by engaging in patterns of behavior known to be associated with
militancy.
Unfortunately it is not possible even for the Office of
Selective Transparency to say with precision how many children America saved
from being shot to death in this incident, partly because so many were
collaterally damaged beyond recognition as entities separate from one another,
and partly because of all the impossibly Byzantine military red tape involved
in overriding the strict command to never include women and children in
drone-strike body counts in the interest of preserving the president’s perfect
record of never having blown up anyone but a militant.
The official unofficial best estimate of the number of
children America saved from being massacred by gunfire is said, however, to be
in the range of 40 to 50.
Said White House spokesman Jay Carney, “The two-for-one
takeaway from this leak is that, one, the president’s hypothetical drone
program just pulled off the nearly impossible feat of stopping a random school
shooting before it could happen, and, two, no civilized society should have to
rely on America’s drone program to make up for its inability to pass a little
common sense gun control legislation that keeps deadly automatic assault
weapons out of the hands of the unstable.
“And I would also direct America’s attention to the high
praise the president is receiving from fellow Democrats for opting not to
double tap the school where this horrific mass shooting would have taken place.”
In more good drone-related news, the US Office of Travel and
Tourism Industries is reporting near record first quarter tourism business from
the Middle East and the African continent as a direct result of the president’s
decision to hold off on bringing his killer drone program home to US soil.
Said OTTI’s Jennifer Weeks, “More and more Pakistanis and
Yemenis and even Syrians and Somalians are choosing to take their much needed
family vacations right here in the US.
“Ironically, America seems now to be the only place on Earth
where these people can get a vacation from the constant overhead threat of
death by America.”
Added Ms. Weeks, “Our hospitality associates are having
wonderful luck convincing our sometimes a little shell-shocked Muslim visitors
that their stay in America is sure to be a pleasantly memorable one if they
will only religiously heed the travel advisory warning to stay out of movie
theaters and elementary, middle, and high schools and colleges and rural
marijuana patches and any and all inner cities and convenience stores and of
course the state of Colorado.”
According to Ms. Weeks, her office is in the final stages of
a plan to use Reaper and Predator Drones to carpet bomb Arab and African
nations with travel brochures from participating US states.
A bidding war has also reportedly broken out between
tourist-hungry states eager to buy the sky ad banners America’s hundreds of
active drones are currently being retrofitted for waving above their target
populations.
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