Sequester Backfiring

In an irony being called a sign of these dire times, the sequester has reportedly decimated the budget of the formerly flush, highly classified Office of Intangible Weights and Measures which, working jointly with the Army Corps of Sociological Engineers, has been closely monitoring all the innumerable stretches of the imagination supporting the infrastructure of the Democratic façade the American Oligarchy is hiding behind.

Said Amy Bueller, laid off former leader of the team charged with routinely stress testing the false front in question, “Look where the geniuses we’ve been concealing are leading us. The sequester, as sure a tell-tale manifestation of the Oligarchy running things behind the scenes as you can think of, is now making it next to impossible to keep the scenes the Oligarchy is running things behind from collapsing under the weight of all the bigger and bigger and fatter and fatter lies.

“With only semi-weekly instead of daily and even hourly reports on the status of this aging and ever growing patched together democratic edifice, so many bridges too far are now springing up all over the place that the secret Social Engineering division of OSHA has had to be completely defunded to avoid the high cost of buying it off to avoid the even higher cost of astronomical fines.”

Explained Ben Simpson, laid off agent with OSHA’s former Social Engineering division, “Now grossly underbriefed, the go-getting oligarchic Makers are reflexively outdoing each other in the making over of the illusion of a democratic openness.

“They’re punching so many bay and casement and floor-to-ceiling garden and picture windows into any and all weight-bearing walls they’re not taking out altogether in this façade now posing as a cave-in waiting to happen that a 13-story house of cards on a hyperactive fault line in a third-world country with a worldwide rebar embargo imposed on it looks like a model of structural integrity by comparison.

“The skeleton crew left to adjust the governors on these oligarchic engines of American go-getting is making the nation’s measly regulatory corps look like a veritable horde.”

Said Ms. Bueller, “Even one year ago, the boys and girls in charge would have known better than to let the Senate make another big long drawn out show of re-visiting gun control in a showdown that was never in a million years ever going to leave standing even the least meaningful common sense legislation the masses are demanding. The same goes for all that hokum about fixing the filibuster.

“And nobody would have let a bipartisan committee just up and provide the right answer to the painstakingly manufactured question of whether the torture the Oligarchs wallowed in for years was torture or not. And of course state secrets gets invoked big time before Reinhart and Rogoff have to cough up the spreadsheet that demonstrates nothing but that those two are a couple of hacks and that this whole global austerity business is grounded on the horseshit the Oligarchs have known it’s grounded on all along.

“And even a sequester dressed up like the byproduct of a messy but democratic two-party process never happens. And the boneheads conducting the so-called Independent Foreclosure Review don’t get to just give up when they get a little tired of maintaining the unbelievable make-believe that they’re trying to do right by all the fraudulently foreclosed upon.

“I mean, come on, folks. Mary Jo White? Rahm Emanuel? Erskine Bowles? Obama? Obama? Really? Those 98-pound Democratic Atlases are going to shoulder this overgrown dream world the American people are living in?

“The thing is, that big ball of nonsense couldn’t be about to get dropped at a worse time. The Office of Looking Forward is now so underfunded thanks to the sequester that there’s no way to mount an effective campaign to get the American people to not look back with a dangerous ruefulness at a time when they at least thought they were living in a democracy.

“And also thanks to the sequester, the Office of Not Looking Backward doesn’t even exist anymore.”

In more sequester and Office of Looking Forward news, the Obama administration is reportedly diverting funds from other sequester-decimated shadow agency budgets to redouble the Office of Looking Forward’s efforts to put the Boston Marathon bombing behind us.

Apparently the concern is that overstimulating the areas of Americans’ hearts and minds known to be associated with feeling the pain of innocent human beings whose bodies and lives are horribly torn apart by the bombs of bad people will trigger the areas of Americans’ hearts and minds associated with feeling the pain of innocent human beings whose bodies and lives are horribly torn apart by the bombs of good people.