Left, Right Confused

Sources inside the White House are telling Shining City Gazette that according to their sources the Associated Press will soon be reporting that a bright orange advisory warning has been issued to all Republican and Democratic lawmakers alerting them to the disorientation some have been experiencing now that with this rash of Democratic scandals America has been given the go-ahead to go forward with looking backward again, but only in the left direction.

Said Chuck Schumer (D-NY), co-chair of the newly reconvened Joint Senate Steering Committee on Looking Backward, “It’s not as easy as you might think to tell your left from your right when you’re trying to look backward and left at the same time you’re maintaining your focus only on the forward direction with respect to what’s been left behind you on the right.

“Basically it’s like your left brain having to remember to flip everything you see in a rearview mirror at the same time your right brain has to remember not to flip what you’re seeing as you look directly forward and/or vice versa.

“And it doesn’t help either that when you look over your right shoulder at what’s behind you on the left if you were facing backward, or I suppose backward would then be forward, it looks almost exactly like what you find when you get confused and look over your left shoulder at what’s behind you on the right.

“Well actually, I guess what you see on the left is quite a bit smaller than what’s on the right. But then again it’s also blown way out of proportion at the same time that what’s on the right is being minimized like a big object appearing in a left and/or right side rearview mirror.

“Anyway, it’s all very confusing. That’s why we’ve been trying to get an appointment at the DMV to talk to somebody about borrowing copies of their training video for new boat owners.  

“The hope is that if steering the wheel left when you want the boat trailer in the reverse direction to go right and vice versa can become second nature to America’s lawmakers on the left and right maybe they can avoid running the Ship of State so to speak smack into the literally dozens of Benghazis and the countless instances of politicizing government agencies and kicking the First Amendment in the teeth and the untold other scandals and outright felonies and all the crimes against humanity the right has dumped in America’s backyard.”

Said Rene Ellsworth, senior conspiracy analyst at the for-profit anti-government organization ObamaWatch, “I hope that while all the lawmakers on the right are busy sorting their reverse left out from their reverse right they bother to notice all the evidence Obama has left right and left right in front of their about faces that he’s up to the no good of reneging on his promise to let the bygones on the right be bygones. Typically, he’s tricking everybody into looking backward at the relatively small-time scandals he planted so everybody would go back to noticing the big-time crime spree that went on on the right side of America’s past.”

“I have to respectfully disagree with Rene,” said Sally Hawke, principle conspiracy analyst at ObamaWatch. “Obama may be a socialist and a Muslim and an African and the product of a broken home, but he’s not dumb. He planted those scandals knowing that the right would know he deviously planted them and proceed to outsmart themselves by letting Obama off scot-free again by not looking back at the scandals he planted so the right would not look back at them.”

Said analyst Ellsworth, “But we are looking back at the scandals.”

“Exactly,” said Ms. Hawke.

“This is nonsense,” said White House spokesman Jay Carney. “I assure you, President Obama would like nothing more than to have America join him again in looking only forward to the day that his successor promises that America will not look backward at all the criminal and other kinds of wrongs his administration will have piled up by then.”