In a bombshell dropped by the hacked and leaked minutes
taken by the American side at a recent secret global perpetual war summit via
conference call and confirmed by the hacked and leaked minutes taken by the
Muslim side and vice versa, the principles on both sides of what both sides are
now calling the Global War on Terror, only in different languages, are
admitting that they have lost track of who’s outsmarting whom.
In both sets of intercepted minutes a note is made of how well
the hastily thrown together Robert’s and Ahmed’s or Ahmed’s and Robert’s Rules
of Order worked in sorting things out when the two sides simultaneously raised
the same point of order just after the two sides simultaneously made a motion,
which the two sides simultaneously seconded, that it be entered in no uncertain
terms and immediately into the two secret records that the summit at hand was
in no manner a matter of negotiating with the terrorists.
After the little bit of housekeeping that followed the
jointly seconded joint motion to give the two sides equal credit for the motion
to put on the two records that no terrorists were being negotiated with, the
conference callers moved quickly on to the only other item on the
agenda—getting a handle on where everything stands with respect to who’s
winning on the all-important front of framing what the Global War on Terror’s
all about.
The minutes on both sides become quite hard to follow, but
with the help of a pamphlet provided as a public service by a division of
CliffsNotes International specializing in the raveling of brain-raveling and
raveling geopolitical plot lines, Shining City Gazette is reasonably sure it
now has straight the major strands in the tangled webs within webs of snarled
reasoning that have snared the globe in a War on Terror.
It seems the Muslims now hate us for hating them for still
hating us even after we’ve fearfully given up most of the freedoms they were
supposed to have hated us for.
At the same time, Americans and Muslims alike are hating
each other and each other for being made to hate themselves for becoming the
thing they hate by hating their fellow Muslims or Americans either for letting
the terrorists win by demanding their freedoms back or letting the terrorists
win by not doing so.
Said an anonymous source in America’s so-called private army
corps of word warriors, “When both sides have to send out legions of Special
Ops search teams to track down pronoun references in the delineation of your
casus belli, you know your war’s gone a little haywire.
“If we’re going to keep up this War to Perpetuate All War it
behooves us to keep it straight and simple why we hate each other and who’s
winning and who’s losing the war of words. You start playing with the net down
and everybody starts losing interest in a hurry.
“It’s a very good sign that the chief jihadists on both
sides have agreed to agree that it’s time to press the reset button. I’m
heartened as well that one of the action items the summit attendees came up
with is to look at the Crusades for guidance as they move forward with reducing
the Global War on Terror’s color palette to one plain white and one plain
black.”
In more confusing news, the Associated Press is reportedly
thinking seriously about beating the White House to the punch by reporting itself
on the internal debates that led to AP’s breaking protocol and not exclusively using
White House talking points or even story-thwarting he said/she said journalism
in their coverage of the Obama administration’s unconstitutional probe of AP
phone records.
Said AP CEO Gary Pruitt, “If scooping the White House makes
for some uncomfortable moments at the next government-press corps mixer, well
so be it.”
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