In late breaking news, Shining City Gazette has obtained a copy of the lengthy signing statement the then precocious Young Republican Paul Ryan used at his Confirmation ceremony to secure for himself some wiggle room with regard to the Catholic teachings he would later cite to justify policies and personal behaviors running diametrically counter to Catholic teachings.
In a section of the statement subtitled “The Deadly Sins”, the very serious 8th grader declares that he is reserving the right to decide on a case by case basis whether or not he will honor the well known Christian proscriptions against pride, greed, wrath, and envy.
Regarding longstanding Catholic attitudes about the poor, the very serious Mr. Ryan used his vaunted gift with numbers and drew on various scriptural guarantees that the meek, who are almost always poor, would be inheriting the earth to make the solid case that there is no such thing as the poor.
In one footnote in this section of the statement, the serious Mr. Ryan shows early signs of his now signature jocularity and disarming knack for mild ironic self-deprecation when he cites the faux biblical sentiment that God helps those whose rich fathers helped themselves.
“He was such a likable and handsome and serious yet light-hearted kid,” said Father Stephen Umhoefer, a former teacher of Mr. Ryan’s at St. Mary Elementary School in Janesville, Wisconsin. “At that time the bishop and I just couldn’t see the harm in allowing him to modify the First Commandment as it applies to him to read, “Thou shalt have no other gods before me except Ayn Rand.”
Added Father Umhoefer, “Who could have known he would go on to abuse the loophole he created in the Ninth Commandment when he changed it for himself to read, “Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor unless it serves to advance Republican and/or Christian and/or personal causes?”
Said boyhood friend Tom Taylor, “True to form, Paul put together a signing statement so thorough and airtight that he hasn’t had to go to confession once in all the years since our confirmation. He can literally do no wrong.
“What his enemies keep calling glibness,” added Mr. Taylor, “is actually the demeanor of a man whose conscience is in a position to remain perfectly clear no matter what he does or says.”
Reportedly this demeanor is on full display in a soon-to-be aired interview the serious and likable congressman and Mrs. Ryan recently sat down for with Barbara Walters.
According to sources, when Ms. Walters asks the would-be first lady if she isn’t worried, given the Catholic stance on birth control, that an unexpected pregnancy might complicate her planned all-out campaign to end birth control in America, the likable Congressman Ryan playfully interjects that he and his lovely wife fully expect to continue being the blessed beneficiaries of a frequently recurring immaculate contraception.
“Very frequently,” the handsome and very fit congressman is reported to have added with a wink.
In other first lady-related news, Michelle Obama today unveiled a hip new slogan in her War on Obesity: “War Is Hella Good Exercise”. Working closely with NBC and the President’s Council on Physical Fitness and Perpetual Preemptive War Readiness, the first lady plans to put war games in the physical education curriculum of every public school in America. “If all goes well,” said the first lady, “by this time next year ‘No Child Left Behind’ is going to take on a whole new meaning.”
In other political news, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney announced today that in its first one hundred days his administration will create a new cabinet-level post for overseeing the creation of a suite of new agencies and bureaus and divisions that collectively will make up the new US Department of Anti-Government to be funded with the savings gained from eliminating the US Departments of Education and Health and Human Services. Said Mr. Romney, “If that doesn’t cover it, we’ll eliminate the IRS as well.”