Friday, August 24, 2012

RNC Convention Finale Unveiled

Out of Tampa Bay, Florida today are coming reports that RNC Chairman Reince Priebus is not quite “one hundred percent crazy” about Donald Trump’s recently leaked brainstorm for the grand finale of next week’s Republican National Convention.

While the Celebrity Apprentice star’s self-styled showstopper remains officially a secret, a source inside Tampa’s Lowry Park Zoo has told Shining City Gazette that Mr. Trump has put down the sizable deposit on a camel, on which according to this same source and others he plans personally to convey the 2012 Republican ticket to center stage after guiding himself and his two wealthy passengers comfortably through an oversized gold-plated eye of a needle.

“It’s brilliant,” Mr. Trump is said to have said to convention organizers. “Message-wise, it’s a three-fer at least, if not a four or five-fer. You gotta love the pro-business spectacle of these two rich religious fellas joining me in putting the kibosh on about two thousand years worth of religious persecution against the rich man.

“And let me tell you,” Mr. Trump is said to have added, “visually it’s just going to be stunning. Just stunning. The god crowd’s going to eat this thing up.”

One reported source of Mr. Priebus’ qualms about this latest brainchild of Mr. Trump’s is the distortion the message may be open to given that Mr. Trump, as opposed to the Republican presidential candidate or his running mate, will be holding the reins.

One reliable source inside the RNC quoted Mr. Priebus as saying, “I’d really rather not have to listen to the intellectual elites fill the pointy heads of the ninety-nine percenters with a treatise on how a simple camel’s alter ego as a ship of the desert makes it a symbol of the American ship of state with the double reverse twist of its holdover symbolic value as a beast of burden bearing the load of two fat cat politicians playing second and third fiddle to a fatter private sector cat going by the loaded name of Trump.”

At issue too, apparently, is Mr. Trump’s plan to accompany this passing of the camel through the eye of a needle with the song “How Big Am I” from the movie Ishtar. As one RNC Assistant Production Manager explained to this Shining City Gazette reporter, “Not everybody loved Ishtar the way Mr. Trump did.”

A further complication according to a source inside the Romney-Ryan campaign is that Mr. Romney is quite touchy about the subject of camels owing to the Book of Mormon’s awkwardly having placed the animals on the North American continent when they weren’t really there.

“Not to mention,” added this source, “we’ve spent years wrapping a rag tighter and tighter around and around Barack Hussein Obama’s head, do we really want to cap it all off by now piling our guys onto the Arab national vehicle of choice? With all due respect, I’m not sure Mr. Trump is fully aware of how much we’ve got invested in fomenting Islamophobia.”

Reportedly shot down was the suggestion that the RNC take advantage of the tradition in ancient rabbinical writings of conveying the concept of futility by imagining an elephant and not a camel trying to pass through the eye of a needle.

The problem according to sources is that an elephant might not fit through the needle eye already designed by Mr. Trump.

“What kind of message would that send?” commented one RNC event organizer. “Besides, the last I checked this was a convention, not a circus.”

In other RNC Convention news, Shining City Gazette has learned that a last-minute exception is being added to the official Republican platform’s blanket ban on abortion. According to sources, an addendum is being crafted that will lay out the Republican position that abortion should be legal, if not mandatory, in cases of forcible or even consensual rape by a Muslim.

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