Corporate Persons Flocking to Catholicism

The US Conference of Catholic Bishops announced today that with open arms it will be receiving corporate persons as full-fledged members of the Catholic flock.

Citing an Academy of Neoconservative Scientists study showing that corporate persons have been aging at approximately the same rate as dogs since their inception in 2010, USCCB president Cardinal Timothy Dolan is encouraging parishes across the country to rush their already now post adolescent corporate initiates through the holy sacraments of Baptism, Communion, Reconciliation, and Confirmation.

Said RNC spokesperson Timothy Osleger, filling in for Cardinal Dolan’s spokesperson Joseph Zwilling, “The Archbishop is especially concerned with expediting the Baptism process. The Church certainly doesn’t want all the corporate persons who die in this dog-eat-dog business environment to meet their maker in a state of Original Sin.”

Added Mr. Osleger, “Regarding the question of whether to extend the sacrament of Marriage to its new corporate members, the Church will be issuing an answer upon the completion of an Academy of Neoconservative Scientists effort to detect the presence of sex differentiation among corporate persons.”

“Speaking of marriage,” said Catherine Fischer from Americans United for Separation of Church and State,” these Catholic Bishops, in their hard shift toward enforcing conservative theology, seem paradoxically to be endorsing same-sex polygamy as they hop into bed with these almost exclusively male corporate teenagers who are already in bed with Uncle Sam.”

Added Chuck Phillips of the Freedom from Religion Foundation, “As we speak, Bill Donohue from the Catholic League is partnering with Karl Rove’s American Crossroads in a campaign to make registering as a Republican the eighth holy Catholic sacrament.

“And they are already well on their way to moving greed from the Deadly Sin to the Virtue column.”

Multiple sources from the Center for Media and Democracy have also informed Shining City Gazette that the American Legislative Exchange Council has already drawn up one model holy writ making it only a venal sin to murder electronic voting machine hackers and another that reworks the eighth commandment to allow for the stealing of elections.

According to these sources, ALEC has also begun drafting an addendum to the second commandment that would secure a place for gold-plated, Wall Street-inspired graven images of a bull alongside other iconic Catholic statuary.

In addition, Shining City Gazette is receiving unconfirmed reports from various sources that former Department of Justice advisors John Yoo and Jay Bybee are currently working pro bono on a memo laying out the legal justification for enhanced brotherly love of altar boys.

Citing Church security concerns, the USCCB’s Joseph Zwilling, filling in for the RNC’s Timothy Osleger, would neither confirm nor deny these reports.

In a related story, RNC Chairman Reince Priebus, citing the Academy of Neoconservative Scientists study showing that corporate persons are aging at the rate of seven years for every one traditionally human year, today pointed out that all the corporate persons born on January 21, 2010, the day the Citizens United case was decided, turned 18 on August 22 of this year.

Said Mr. Priebus, “I hope to God the Democrats aren’t planning to continue their assault on religious freedom by suppressing the vote of all our corporate Catholic brothers and perhaps sisters.”