Team Finds Genesis of Catholic Homophobia

A pair of research scientists in the Religious Studies department at Lewis and Clark College have traced the anti-gay marriage element in the homophobic stance of the Catholic Church back primarily to the intense theophobia fomented in the pages of the Old Testament.

Explained Dr. Peter John from the Lewis and Clark team, “When a Catholic feels the deep-seated fear of two men in a state of holy union, he or she is really just experiencing a misdirected and slightly warped version of his or her perfectly natural fear of God.”

“You see,” further explained Dr. John’s long-time partner Dr. Frank Ryan, “Christians in general and Catholics in particular subconsciously associate the two-dads model with their conception of a still fear-inducing divine sort of nuclear triad made up of a father, another adult male figure known as the Holy Ghost, and a son otherwise known as Jesus.”

Added Dr. John, “The strain of seemingly irrational repugnance running through this fear of gay men has to do with the role that dirt played in the Father and the Holy Ghost’s giving birth to Adam.”

Added Dr. Ryan, “And the strain of loathing has to do with Catholics’ deep resentment over the so damaging Original Sin of humanity’s two dads—Adam and his clearly phallic rib.”

“And the fear of lesbian couples,” added Dr. John, “given women’s biblically-derived status as phallic symbols, comes of course from the deep Christian fear of the two-phallused God of the pre-Jesus Old Testament.”

“Interestingly,” added Dr. Ryan, “the Church’s homophobia has now outstripped its theophobia in terms of intensity.”

“Our guess,” added Dr. John, “is that the deep-seated love of God that goes with all the longstanding fear of Him/Them in some way explains Catholics’ so intense fear of homosexuals.”

Added Dr. Ryan, “Given the subconscious equating of the so feared homosexual couple with the so feared God they also love so much, Catholics are likely experiencing a fear of the love they subconsciously feel for the homosexual couple thanks to their equating them, as mentioned, with the Father and the Holy Ghost.”

Added Dr. John, “Frank and I believe Catholics are now totally overcompensating for this love of homosexuals by over-focusing on all their fear and loathing and repugnance with regard to them.”

“With all due respect to our brothers at Lewis and Clark and these new brainchildren of theirs,” said Father Vincent at the Catholic Basilica of Saints Peter and Paul in Philadelphia, “this so-called fear of gay marriage is really just a devout Christian adherence to the principle that marriage—that holy union in the four loving arms of which all God’s children are meant to be raised—can only be between a man and a woman.”

Added Father Timothy, Father Vincent’s long-time partner at Saints Peter and Paul, “The Church and all its children are simply following the natural and divine law that our Holy Father and all the prophets and Jesus and His Disciples and all the popes and cardinals and bishops and padres thereafter have laid down since time immemorial—that all families are best headed by a man with a woman by his side.”