GOP To Be Tweaked

According to reports from sources up and down the political spectrum, signs are emerging that Republican Party leaders are beginning to accept that, in the words of RNC Chairman Reince Priebus, “The do-gooders and the bleeding hearts now truly do outnumber the real Americans in this country.”

Explained Mr. Priebus, “I think what happened a little bit is that we shot ourselves in the foot by going all in one too many times with our apparently not quite foolproof strategy of lying our way to electoral victory.

“The hard truth is that we began believing the lies we began expertly telling ourselves. Even now we keep telling one another that a certain Kenyan Santa Claus posing as the President of the United States just beat us at our own game of cashing in on the red-blooded American capitalist attribute of looking out for number one by positioning himself as the giver of the most gifts.

“What we have to now accept is that all the card-carrying members of the new socialist majority in this once great country really do care about each other.

“That’s a big bitter horse pill we’re going to have to stop gagging on if we’re ever going to take back this country.”

Sources close to the Republican closed-door postmortem on the recent elections are telling Shining City Gazette that the GOP plan is to take all their raw outrage over all their boundless grounds for outrage and channel it into plays for sympathy from the so-called underdog lovers on the left.

Orwellian supergenius Frank Luntz is reportedly leading the way by reframing himself as Frankie by way of evoking an innocent, vulnerable boyishness to go along with his reframing of himself from Orwellian supergenius to wonderboy with a very special need to play with words.

Behind the scenes, Frankie has apparently already begun the process of framing all the racial hatred on the right as a much more sympathetic clinical condition along the lines of a sex or pain killer or shopping addiction. Similarly, conservative public figures are being asked to pitifully cower a little and flinch and maybe tremble when discussing their homophobia. For her part, Sarah Palin is being coached to stop calling it the lamestream media in favor of the new frame “meanstream” media.

Plans are also in the works to pull liberal heart strings by emphasizing the sad and unfair underrepresented status of conservatives and by playing up the one percent’s loneliness at the top. The GOP elephant is reportedly set to become a doe-eyed, emaciated shell of its former self. The public may even start seeing bloody stumps where priceless ivory tusks should be.

Said RNC strategist Paula Halliday, “Frankie’s really going all out. On the talk shows he’s even going to affect a stutter. Think about it—the human tragedy of a wordsmith who can’t spit out his words. I think Republican hearts might even bleed a little over that one.”

Added Ms. Halliday, “In local and state and national elections we’re going to start running cripples and borderline retards. Amputees and burn victims. Homeless people. Maybe more ladies, especially if they’re anorexic or something or they’ve been raped, preferably by their own dad.

“We can’t wait for all the heads to explode in voting booths all over America when liberals start trying not to vote for a Republican harelipped, tic-ridden, cross-dressing, club-footed Mexican national who has campaigned on the platform that he’ll probably fall off the wagon and go back to cutting herself if he loses the election.

“You just really have to laugh at the thought of the weenies on the left crying their poor eyes out for us on the right while we’re busy gaining strength through the weakness we’re faking to make a weakness out of the strength of their weakness for the weaknesses of others.”