The White House is reportedly growing impatient over the
hold the Newtown massacre made the President put on the public relations
pushback he was set to launch in response to growing calls for limits on his
limitless killer drone program.
One source close to this aborted media blitz told Shining
City Gazette that before this latest disaster for the gun lobby the White House
was preparing to echo the NRA pretty heavily in telling America that it’s not killer
drones that kill people and it’s not presidents who kill people with killer drones
who kill people or trigger-pullers in Nevada following the president’s orders
to kill people with killer drones who kill people. It’s people who won’t stop
engaging in questionable patterns of behavior that force the president to order
people in Nevada to kill people and nearby people with killer drones who kill
people.
Said deputy White House press secretary Nancy Wright, “Our
best estimate is that it will be a good two months more at least before the gun
lobby has ushered America far enough past Newtown that the President can borrow
their lines of reasoning without re-awakening the exception Americans
periodically take to senseless violence.
“Of course it will be a bit longer even than that if another
gun-related massacre happens before Newtown blows over.”
Added Ms. Wright, “It’s just one of those things we learn to
roll with in the public relations business. I mean, sometimes no sooner do you
prepare to go all out again in reminding America about how much the country
owes the super rich job creators than in comes a bunch of worse than expected
new jobs numbers at the same time the super rich break some new profits record
again, or in comes another non-partisan report showing that it’s not really the
super rich job creators who create the jobs, or some high-profile super rich
guy calls everybody but the super rich a bunch of numb-nutted parasites.
“So you take a deep breath, put all the glowing things you
had to say about the super rich on the shelf next to all the glowing things you
had to say about clean coal before freakish superstorm Sandy struck—and you
wait till Americans are ready again to hear what they need to hear.
“And in the case of this campaign to set Americans straight
about the President’s unlimited killer drone program, it wasn’t only the
NRA-inspired sentiment that drones don’t kill people, the people drones kill
kill people that we were all ready to start spreading.
“In Phase 2 we were also going to point out to Americans
that when unlimited killer drones are outlawed only outlaws will have unlimited
killer drones. And we were then of course going to put it out there that it’s
all the gratuitous graphic violence Americans have been exposed to thanks to video
games and movies and the Bush administration’s foreign policies and Julian
Assange and Bradley Manning that raised Americans’ tolerance for senseless
violence so high that the President can’t count on Americans to make him stop
letting people and nearby people kill themselves with his killer drone program.
“Of course as a last resort we were prepared to have the
President tell Americans that he would give them his drones when they pried
them from his cold, dead hands.
“So anyway, the minute the gun lobby’s done putting the lid
back on all the public clamoring for gun control, we’ll be out there squelching
the calls for limits on killer drones. In the meantime, we’ll just keep
invoking the limits on our ability to even talk about the limitless killer
drone program in question so to speak.”
In a related story, the NRA got more bad news today to go
with the Newtown PR disaster when the non-partisan Pew Charitable Trusts reported
that their detailed analysis shows that it was the explosion of gun sales in
anticipation of President Obama’s rumored plan to outlaw guns in a second term
that raised the economy above the threshold below which he could not possibly
have gained a second term.
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