Friday, February 15, 2013

SOTU Speech a Stand-in

Shining City Gazette has obtained a copy of a widely rumored early version of the president’s State of the Union address that was drafted for him by a team of his closest economic advisors.

Had this team of financial experts on and off hiatus from Wall Street jobs not been stumped by a tricky lexical complication, the president would have used his annual updating of Americans on where their country stands as an opportunity to take the bold, transparent step of officially announcing that Corporate America, by all measures currently available to modern science, has now grown “too big to rail…at.”

In one line designed to get the country’s ostensible leaders all standing and clapping, the president would have said to America, “If they’re too big to fail, if they’re too big to jail, if they’re too big to derail or curtail and too big even to veil, guess what folks, they’re too big to rail…at.”

Said senior White House wordsmith Elizabeth Duncan, “The problem was that in rehearsals the president just didn’t feel like he was nailing the pause between the rhyme word and the preposition that had to go with it.

“We tried switching out the “at” and putting in “against”, and that didn’t work. We gave “sail…into” a try and really nobody was happy with that. We racked our brains for days searching to no avail for a transitive verb that rhymes with “fail” and “jail” and means to carp or snipe or sneer at or to badmouth or nitpick or blame or dump on or even to whine about or disrespect or insult.

“Sadly everyone on the team gave up and, well, you heard what the president went with.

“As a footnote, though, in the eleventh and a half hour, a White House intern majoring in English at Georgetown University told Tim Geithner I think it was, or maybe Jeffrey Immelt or Peter Peterson. Come to think of it, maybe it was Penny Pritzker. Or maybe Jamie Dimon. Anyway, the point is, the intern told one of the president’s people that ‘assail’ or ‘bewail’ would work.

“By that time, sadly, the president had already put the last bit of polish on his delivery of the back-up speech.”

“It’s too bad,” said Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein. “Now we’re going to spend another year listening to 99 percent or so of the country keep griping about Corporate America. If they’re so crazy about wasting their time, why don’t they just complain about the weather or something else they have no control over. OK, maybe the weather isn’t a great example anymore, but you get the point.”

Said outgoing Secretary of the Treasury Tim Geithner, “It’s time, as the president has repeatedly said, to look forward. It’s time for America to finally just accept the plain and simple subtext of the president’s stand-in State of the Union speech—that it’s their government’s mission now to put them cradle to grave at the disposal of the job creators.”

In related SOTU news, the president also reportedly chose at the last minute to postpone sharing the progress he’s made on creating a legal framework for his killer drone program.

According to reports, the president’s evolving plan now is to key the scope of the weaponry any given American has a right to own and operate to the extensiveness of the background check he or she undergoes.

Said White House spokesman Jay Carney, after refusing to confirm or deny that such a plan is in the works, “I’ll just say, that given the very well known extent to which the president’s background has been checked and rechecked, I can’t imagine a reason to deny the president any weapon on the planet or any use of that weapon.”

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