The US Department of American Exceptionalism assured the
world today that it is doing everything in this country’s unparalleled power to
padlock the gate against Latin American attempts to move into the exclusive
neighborhood upon a hill where America resides by herself under her assumed
name of the Shining City.
Said DOAE public communications director Tiffany
Witherspoon, “I just have to laugh, and maybe cringe a little, at the thought
of these two-bit beacon wannabes risking life and limb to flip on the faultily
wired switch on the dangling 20-watt bulb posing as the light of social justice
guiding the world.
“You just want to grab them by the lapels of their sarape
and say very loudly so they can understand you, ‘Wake up, amigo. Look around.
While you were taking that siesta America was leading the rest of the world in
this little thing called the March of Human Progress. You might have heard of
it back when we were using you banana republics as stepping stones up this hill
your best coyote on his best day couldn’t get you muchachos past the foot of.’
“Somebody needs to translate a certain memo into Spanish so
all these Hugos and Evos and Rafaels and Cristinas and Dilmas can understand
it: ‘Heyo Latinos—social justeeceeo is oldo newsio.’”
Said Lisa Whithaus from the DOAE, “All these socialistas are
doing with the measly handful of lumens they’re shining on their social
do-gooding is enlightening everybody about the embarrassing fact that they’ve
been left in the dust again by the First World, which some time ago moved on to
fighting poverty with poverty, ignorance with anti-intellectualism and truth
flaunting, inequality with more inequality.
“Check that. That’s not all they’re doing. These dim bulbs
have also been shining a light on all their despotically not lifting a finger
to help their own people deal with the pain of unemployment and personal debt
and lowering wages and fraying social safety nets and environmental degradation
and massively expanding wealth inequality by offering them the comfort of the
cold, hard austerity it takes to achieve the comfort of a reduced national
debt.
“And don’t talk to me about the happy happy Zippity Doo Da
that Gallup Incorporated claims Latin Americans are all whistling out their
asses. Who cares if seven of the ten big winners in the worldwide national
happiness sweepstakes are living it up in South and Central America?
“Who couldn’t make their people happy by giving them what
they want? I mean, our people want a social safety net too. And a blind justice
system. And fair wages, and equal education, and a little regulation and an
independent media, and a government for and by the people and all the rest of
it.
“But that’s not where the March of Human Progress has taken
us, sports fans. At this juncture in human history it’s the bounden duty of the
Makers to correct the expectations of the race’s Takers.
“And guess who’s leading the way? Here’s a little hint. It’s
not Venezuela. Or Ecuador. Or Bolivia. Or Argentina.
“Here’s another hint. A certain country with the initials
USA has one man, with the initials PP, who all by himself has spent half a
billion dollars on a multi-gazillion-watt floodlight to stop the deer-like
masses in the tracks of their marching in the wrong direction.”
Added Ms. Witherspoon, “And the flash from any Shining City
worthy of the name needs as often as not to be the launching of another missile
to convince folks to head in the direction our guiding lights are pointing them
in.
“I think the only missiles to be found in Latin America are
the missals found in the pews of a certain church devoted to peace on earth and
good will toward man.
“So no. I don’t think the neighborhood up here on a hill
will be going to hell anytime soon. The new white is not brown. It’s an even
brighter white.”
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