The US Department of American Exceptionalism assured the world today that it is doing everything in this country’s unparalleled power to padlock the gate against Latin American attempts to move into the exclusive neighborhood upon a hill where America resides by herself under her assumed name of the Shining City.
Said DOAE public communications director Tiffany Witherspoon, “I just have to laugh, and maybe cringe a little, at the thought of these two-bit beacon wannabes risking life and limb to flip on the faultily wired switch on the dangling 20-watt bulb posing as the light of social justice guiding the world.
“You just want to grab them by the lapels of their sarape and say very loudly so they can understand you, ‘Wake up, amigo. Look around. While you were taking that siesta America was leading the rest of the world in this little thing called the March of Human Progress. You might have heard of it back when we were using you banana republics as stepping stones up this hill your best coyote on his best day couldn’t get you muchachos past the foot of.’
“Somebody needs to translate a certain memo into Spanish so all these Hugos and Evos and Rafaels and Cristinas and Dilmas can understand it: ‘Heyo Latinos—social justeeceeo is oldo newsio.’”
Said Lisa Whithaus from the DOAE, “All these socialistas are doing with the measly handful of lumens they’re shining on their social do-gooding is enlightening everybody about the embarrassing fact that they’ve been left in the dust again by the First World, which some time ago moved on to fighting poverty with poverty, ignorance with anti-intellectualism and truth flaunting, inequality with more inequality.
“Check that. That’s not all they’re doing. These dim bulbs have also been shining a light on all their despotically not lifting a finger to help their own people deal with the pain of unemployment and personal debt and lowering wages and fraying social safety nets and environmental degradation and massively expanding wealth inequality by offering them the comfort of the cold, hard austerity it takes to achieve the comfort of a reduced national debt.
“And don’t talk to me about the happy happy Zippity Doo Da that Gallup Incorporated claims Latin Americans are all whistling out their asses. Who cares if seven of the ten big winners in the worldwide national happiness sweepstakes are living it up in South and Central America?
“Who couldn’t make their people happy by giving them what they want? I mean, our people want a social safety net too. And a blind justice system. And fair wages, and equal education, and a little regulation and an independent media, and a government for and by the people and all the rest of it.
“But that’s not where the March of Human Progress has taken us, sports fans. At this juncture in human history it’s the bounden duty of the Makers to correct the expectations of the race’s Takers.
“And guess who’s leading the way? Here’s a little hint. It’s not Venezuela. Or Ecuador. Or Bolivia. Or Argentina.
“Here’s another hint. A certain country with the initials USA has one man, with the initials PP, who all by himself has spent half a billion dollars on a multi-gazillion-watt floodlight to stop the deer-like masses in the tracks of their marching in the wrong direction.”
Added Ms. Witherspoon, “And the flash from any Shining City worthy of the name needs as often as not to be the launching of another missile to convince folks to head in the direction our guiding lights are pointing them in.
“I think the only missiles to be found in Latin America are the missals found in the pews of a certain church devoted to peace on earth and good will toward man.
“So no. I don’t think the neighborhood up here on a hill will be going to hell anytime soon. The new white is not brown. It’s an even brighter white.”