Friday, March 1, 2013

Corporate America Embraces Austerity

Thomas J. Donohue, president and CEO of the US Chamber of Commerce, has reportedly arrived at the conclusion that the US government will soon need to take over control of the control Corporate America has taken of the US government.

Said Donohue, “All of us here in Corporate America need to admit that there’s a role for the public sector to play in the private sector’s takeover of the public sector.

“The truth be told, I’m just not that much more impressed with Corporate America’s running of the government than I am with the government’s running of it.

“Maybe it’s the sky-high standards we’ve set for ourselves in the private sector with respect to profits, but I’m growing more and more disappointed in the returns we’re seeing on our investments in government-sponsored mechanisms for hiking our sky-high profits.

“Certainly our government-procured profits have never been higher, but this record accumulation of wealth is coming at absurd costs.

“We’re pouring billions into armies of lobbyists and squadrons of think tanks and flocks of media and political peacocks and legions of astroturfers and all the PACs and Super PACs and Super Duper PACs we’re bankrolling around the clock thanks to this borderline rathole otherwise known as a perpetual local and national election cycle.

“If I didn’t know better, which I do, I’d say our guys on the Supreme Court are screwing with us. That Citizens United ruling is just killing our bottom line.

“We can’t really afford the out-of-control spending habits of untold corporate persons when every other week we’re playing Cecil B. DeMille throwing millions at the casts of thousands starring in these action-packed high-dollar horror shows and all their sequels revolving around and around fiscal cliffs and debt ceilings and sequesters and more fiscal cliffs and new debt ceilings and god knows what else.

“Corporate America’s maintenance bill on the nonstop revolving door between Washington and Wall Street alone would break the bank of most nations.”

Added the Chamber’s Chief Misinformation Officer Rebecca Waters, “No matter how much we spend footing the bill on the government’s covering up of the obvious fact that Corporate America is running the government, more and more Americans are coming to the conclusion that Corporate America is running the government.

“So I ask you. How much business sense does it make for us to keep sponsoring this decades-long, exorbitantly priced campaign to convince Americans that government is the problem? Seriously. Corporate America is now paying unbelievable sums to basically tell America that Corporate America is the problem.”

Said the Chamber’s Donohue, “The system’s broke. Just take this whole Fix the Debt disinformation campaign. We’ve been at this thing for how many months, spent how many tens of millions of our dollars on it?

“And where are we? Last I checked I wasn’t making any money on a privatized Social Security system. Medicare seems to still be alive and kicking and the prognosis seems to be pretty damn good, at least from its point of view.

“While the clock keeps ticking down to the fast-approaching day that the debt just ups and fixes itself, everybody’s wasting everybody’s time promenading around and around in this big song and dance about anyone in government, or Corporate America for that matter, giving a good goddamn about common ordinary everyday Americans.

“Are we supposed to wait around and start paying the ridiculous costs of keeping a Fix the Debt campaign going after the debt’s already been fixed?

“The time has clearly come for Corporate America to pull back for a while. The guys and gals making five and six figures can do as good a job getting nothing done as the big boys can.

“Maybe in a year or two Corporate America can take control of the control the US government has taken of the control Corporate America has taken of the US government. But for now, we need to practice our own brand of austerity and stop throwing money at the government.” 

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