Truth Hurts Truthtellers

In a story reportedly being blacked out by the Obama administration, the Office of Self-Evident Truth, an apparently long-forgotten agency created and named in the patriotic first days of the new president’s soon-to-be aborted government transparency campaign, has filed an extensive report exposing all the obvious forbidden truths the government has spent roughly four years devoting untold resources to obscuring.

“Ironically,” explained David Axelrod, former Obama strategist and now a media personality at MSNBC, “in all the whirlwind of our frantically shifting from transparency to opacity mode with regard to inconvenient truths, we completely forgot to dissolve the half-fledged entity we were in the process of tasking with the disclosure of these truths.

“Left to its own devices, the skeleton crew thrown together at the Office of Self-Evident Truth must have taken it upon itself to complete the mission statement we left half-finished when we pivoted into a different direction.

“From the rumors I’ve heard about their report, it looks like a key element of the mission they came up with is to unequivocally document the unbelievably obvious hard truths being concealed so well out in broad daylight.”

According to Trina Martinez, on spring break from her internship in the Division of Photocopying at the department where the Office of Self-Evident Truth was housed until very recently, the report in question is “like totally well documented” and full of “mind-blowing surprises.”

“Oh my god,” said Ms. Martinez, “I almost wish I hadn’t read that report while I was Xeroxing it. Apparently President Obama actually does have his own killer drone program and it really does kill children, and America really is full of war criminals who got away with murder and other crimes against humanity, and all the killing in Iraq was actually senseless and it really is ongoing thanks to all the depleted uranium and the white phosphorous and the toxic social climate we left there, and corporations actually aren’t persons, and the One Percent really are above the law, and the One Percent really did manufacture the idea that the unrich can only expect to ever become rich if they sacrifice their safety net so the already rich can get richer, and the One Percent really have ruined the Democrats almost as much as they’ve ruined the Republicans, and the media actually isn’t liberal at all and it actually is the voice of the One Percent.

“And oh my god, wealth doesn’t actually ever trickle down.”

From the single room they have indefinitely taken up residence in at the Ecuadorean Embassy in Washington, the so-called skeleton crew from the former Office of Self-Evident Truth told Shining City Gazette they are victims of their own dedicated government work.

Said crew leader Michael Redding, “We were working so hard on documenting the mind-boggling proliferation of obvious forbidden truths under America’s noses that we missed the most obvious truth of all—that we’d somehow missed the White House memo re-defining government transparency to mean making it crystal clear to everybody under the sun that embarrassing the president and/or his government with obvious inconvenient truths is definitely not what he was talking about when he was encouraging whistleblowers back when he was a candidate.”  

Added Mr. Redding, “So now of course the newest obvious inconvenient truth is that the president will use the obvious inconvenient truth that America can’t handle the truth to obscure the obvious truth that a report exists that unequivocally documents all the obvious forbidden truths America has become much too cowardly to handle.”