Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Report: Drones, US a Bad Match

According to multiple sources, a US Department of Defense feasibility report that has surfaced in recent days is shedding new light on what’s holding up the president’s transporting of his killer drone program to US soil.

One killer drone program operative, granted anonymity because he or she is not in a legal position to confirm or deny her or his personal existence, told or perhaps couldn’t have told Shining City Gazette because he or she doesn’t exist that the report is basically a several hundred page headache the president doesn’t need right now.

Said the source in question, “How would you feel if you were basing your entire legacy on personally waging a deadly extra-judicial all-out totally no-holds-barred so-called Global War on Terror and some pencil pusher told you you couldn’t even train your signature weapon on the globe’s number one country?

“I’ll tell you what, if it was me who wrote that downer of a feasibility report, I sure wouldn’t be venturing off American soil anytime soon.”

Just one example of the many roadblocks the report outlines with respect to the president’s pet plan to roll out his killer drone program in the homeland is the “sky-high likelihood” that US consumer groups would poison the well of public opinion on killer drones by launching an all-out legal battle when the life insurance industry began adding contractual clauses that voided any and all payouts in the event that a policyholder proved irrefutably to be a criminally anti-American militant by dint of his or her having been obliterated by a drone strike.

Said John Brennan, newly confirmed CIA director and confirmed architect of the president’s unconfirmed killer drone program, “What’s the president supposed to do with that scenario? Unless you want to just scrap the Rule of Law, you can’t really have a militant-killing killer drone program if you can’t define “militant” as anyone blown up by a killer drone. It just doesn’t work.”

Said Leon Panetta, former CIA director and former US Secretary of Defense, “In light of this report, I think my successors at Defense and the CIA may have to seriously entertain the possibility of telling the president that American society is just not the best fit for his killer drone program.

“Would it really be worth it to take on the powerful American Medical Association, which in all likelihood would stand behind the Emergency Medical Technician union’s highly likely protests against the indispensible use of double taps to exploit the enemy’s sense of responsibility to the body parts of its blown-up loved ones?

“Does the president really want to launch an endless nationwide city-by-city war against an army of lawyers defending the local noise pollution ordinances all the overhead droning would violate?

“What happens when the nation’s women, who are already feeling like war has been declared on them, start being blown up in large numbers by Hellfire missiles?

“And this is to say nothing of the report’s well-documented finding that American day-to-day life is rife with patterns of behavior that would flip the switch on the green light on the drone program’s signature signature strikes.

“Any number of the nation’s playground and neighborhood and birthday-party children’s games are virtually indistinguishable from terrorist activity, for instance.

“And the erratic habits of the long-term unemployed, of which there will obviously be a rapidly growing number as the country pursues austerity to address the unemployment problem, would make America an almost impossibly target-rich environment. I mean, even the most American looking American job seekers even start looking like terrorists as their personal grooming habits deteriorate more and more with each new month they go unemployed.

“And a not untrivial consideration is that bringing the drone program into plain sight of Americans would very likely cut into the effectiveness of the president’s shielding his illegal killer drone program from scrutiny by neither confirming or denying that he has his own illegal killer drone program.”

Said CIA director Brennan, “I do give the report credit for at least imagining ways the drone program could be made financially self-sustaining should the president decide to ignore its key recommendation that in his Global Drone War on Terror the president should have his senior word redefiners take advantage of American Exceptionalism to make “global” mean any and all nations but America.

“In light of these hard economic times the military has fallen on thanks to the sequester, I in fact think someone might be in line for the Distinguished Drone Warfare Medal for thinking up the idea of using aerial advertising banners to make up for Pentagon budget cuts.

“In my mind, though, drone-tugged sky ads are a brainstorm for perhaps a later day. We’ll see what austerity brings, but for the time being I don’t see how unleashing drone strikes on the American society as it currently stands doesn’t just make the president’s life miserable.”

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