In a breakthrough that is rocking the paleo- and
politico-anthropological world, Dr. Mitsuko Sakaki from the American Institute
of Evolutionary Biology announced today that she and her colleagues have
settled the century-long quandary about how Neanderthals fit in the arc of
human evolution.
“As it turns out,” said Dr. Sakaki, “Neanderthals were not overlapping
precursors to modern humans at all, or even an aberrational coexisting species from
some other line of hominids, as some have argued. They were actually a group,
or perhaps more accurately a party, of homo sapiens who began retrogradely
evolving at a point in human evolutionary history that almost exactly coincides
with the dawn of politics.”
Further explained Dr. Sakaki, “A closer look at the fossil
human record using new osteo-forensic tools and state of the art
anthropological models has revealed that at roughly 30,000 BCE a subpopulation
of homo sapiens defined primarily by a blind adherence to a primordial
religiousness began thinking with their spleens and gall bladders instead of
the right and left hemispheres of the rapidly developing human brain.”
“Very interestingly,” said politico-anthropologist Dr.
Divesh Amin from the Sakaki team, “as this phrenic shift is occurring among
these primeval reactionaries, we also see creeping into the cave drawings and petroglyphs
of these widely polarizing peoples a political messaging pitched at an
intelligence level normally associated with Cro-Magnon Man and below.
“It is also at this time that the mass production of
roughhewn, solid-rock prototypes of the soap box bursts onto the social scene.
“As early man and woman, but mostly man, began working out
humanity’s issues by way of this confrontational new tool called politics,
something fundamentally transformational happened to the god-fearers among
them.
“Already deeply spooked by their fledgling conception of an
all-powerful god, and feeling a little bit more vulnerable than usual thanks to
an advancing brain taking them places they weren’t ready to go, these primitive
mossbacks almost immediately saw politics as a do or die proposition in which
all was fair.
“In the anthropological blink of an eye the heated campaigning
and the debating triggered in this new right half of the species the then more highly
developed fight half of the fight or flight response. That is, in the
compromised mental state caused by the chronic hyperactivity of their sympathetic
nervous system they allowed the simple deep-seated Darwinian impulse to be the
fittest to warp into an uncompromising need to win any and all debates and
elections at any and all costs.”
Said physiognomical anthropologist Dr. Eva Chen, “In very
little time, the perpetual game face these political belligerents wore gave
them the brutish features we’ve come to associate with the caveman and woman.
“The hallmark beetle brow of the Neanderthal was a function
of these people’s constant aggressive furrowing of their brows as they tried with
less and less success to make sense of the complex real world their spleens and
gall bladders were not really built for processing.”
Said Dr. Amin, “As far as we can tell based on some of the
unbelievably boneheaded social and economic choices made by homo sapiens in the
years before their devolving cousins died out, these harbingers of the modern
day right wing became quite adept at winning politically.
“At surviving, however, not so much.”
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