In what some are calling an act of unprecedented political
courage, President Barack Obama today changed his political affiliation from
Democrat to Republican.
Explained the president’s new spokesperson, Ari Fleischer,
former White House press secretary for George W. Bush, “The president just
doesn’t see any other way to stop himself from spending another four years
slapping the people who voted him into office in all their dumbstruck faces.”
Said Mr. Fleischer, “Look, this is a president who from day
one has been up front about his inability to act like a Democrat if he’s not
forced to do so by all the Democrats who vote for him. How many times has he
publicly begged the Democratic establishment to hold his feet to the fire of his
campaign rhetoric?
“And then what happens when he looks forward and not
backward or even side-to-side at the war crime wave perpetrated by his
Republican predecessors? Nothing. What happens when he keeps looking forward
and not backward or even side-to-side at the financial crime wave perpetrated
by the likes of the very Wall Street people he chooses to surround himself with
instead of anybody even remotely interested in championing the cause of the
99%? Again, nothing.
“What happens when he unilaterally just gives away the
public option? When he extends Bush wars and tax cuts? When Guantanamo
celebrates one anniversary after another? When he throws a record number of whistleblowers
to the wolves of his War on Terror? When the Surveillance State gets permanently
added to the union without a scintilla of public debate? Nothing, nothing,
nothing, nothing, and more nothing.
“What happens when he starts assassinating American citizens
and their teenage children? I’ll tell you what happens. He gets cheered. What
happens when he orders drone strikes that obliterate kids and then the people
who come to retrieve the body parts of the kids? He gets cheered even louder.
“What happens when after all that happens he suddenly starts
talking a populist line and asks all those people who voted him into his first
presidency to give him their votes again? They give him their votes again.
“Come on, people. What is this president supposed to do when
his people keep apologizing for him for actions and policies they’d never let
him get away with if he were a Republican?
“Well I don’t know what he’s supposed to do, but I’ll
tell you what this courageous president has done. He’s become the Republican his
former people will maybe now get up off their butts and stop before he uses all
the political capital they just gave him to bargain away their Social Security
and Medicare and who knows what other bulwarks against nationwide epidemic destitution.
“Somebody desperately needs to do something to stop
President Obama from going through with this great betrayal of his Democratic
base, and the only man in America with the political courage I guess to do so
is President Obama himself.”
In very related late breaking news, the nation’s political
commentators are already seeing signs that President Obama’s bold move to join
the Republican Party by way of achieving Democratic ends may be backfiring.
Apparently Republicans’ animus toward President Obama
substantially outweighs their hatred of Democratic principles.
Pundits from all along the political spectrum are predicting
that with President Obama now explicitly championing conservative ideals, as
opposed to his tacitly having done so for the past four years, Republicans will
take a sharp turn to the left, in which case in these so highly polarized times
the left will reflexively turn sharply to the right.
Said new White House deputy press secretary Dana Perino, “It
may seem like we’re heading back to square one, but the fact of the matter is
that the pundits have forgotten to factor in the high likelihood that now that
this president is a Republican he’ll soon begin flaunting conservative
principles, which is to say that all by himself he’ll be acting exactly like
the Democrat he’s been so futilely begging the Democrats to make him act like.”
President O don't like SS and Medicare.
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