Rove Wants Four More Years

The Wall Street Journal is reporting today that when Karl Rove showed up on November 7 at the carpet he was called on by the Confraternity of Corporate Persons, he surprised everybody with a PowerPoint presentation that not only did not include a letter of resignation or an apology, but actually laid out a reportedly airtight argument for why he should be given four more years as the operative in charge of firing up enough Americans to vote against their own best economic interests that Republicans can win.

According to sources, Mr. Rove began by pinning the blame for the squandering of so many hundreds of millions of corporate dollars worth of campaign donations squarely on the corporate persons themselves.

With a series of graphs and color-coded pie and other kinds of charts Mr. Rove showed how Corporate America had shot itself in the foot by making the economy tank so badly and then so stubbornly doing nothing to fix it that it seemed so impossible that President Obama could win re-election that not enough corporate donations were earmarked for electronically rigging the vote.

Mr. Rove went on to assure his audience that he had the seemingly bleak demographic outlook for Republicans well under control.

Said one corporate person speaking to Shining City Gazette under the pseudonym of Pat, “It was great to hear Karl put to rest the notion that in election cycles to come there won’t be enough white people in America for Republicans to win.

“It was most definitely reassuring to find out, for example, that at the local level we are well situated to more than double the number of abstinence-only programs in Republican strongholds.

“I can easily see how the white baby boom resulting from these efforts coupled with our ongoing anti-abortion and anti-contraception crusades will start offsetting the breeding and illegal immigrating habits of non-whites.”

The CCP was also reportedly made privy to internal analysis by Mr. Rove’s American Crossroads super PAC showing that the growing epidemic of autism works in Republicans’ favor.

Explained Pat, the corporate person, “As all these socially challenged kids from all along the racial and ethnic spectrum keep growing toward voting age it should be child’s play to exploit their low sense of responsibility to others for Republican political gains.”

Added Pat, “And it’s true what Karl says that to boost short-term Republican prospects we could also be doing more to garner a greater percentage of the still rapidly expanding obese vote.

“I love Karl’s plan to have the Academy of Neoconservative Scientists put out a report or two calling into question the downsides of obesity. I think the morbidly obese in America would be very grateful to us for offering an upbeat message to counter all the gloom and doom the Michelle Obamas of the world keep morbidly shoving down their throats—at a high cost, by the way, to the junk and fast food and buffet industries and the larger economy.

“Certainly this doesn’t solve our long-term demographic problems, as the life expectancies of more and more grossly overweight Republicans will plummet, but Karl’s got a can’t-miss strategy for the larger war that is pure genius.

“It seems the scientific elite have done us the big favor of painting a high-definition picture of what kind of childhood leads to a right-wing mindset later in life.

“Hilariously, as many on the left help us privatize education, all according to Karl’s plan, they are setting the table for our embedding in every school kid in America all the fears and personal frustrations we can then prey on when they reach voting age and beyond.”

According to sources, the slide in Mr. Rove’s presentation that the corporate persons in attendance found most comforting was the final one, in which the so-called Turd Blossom promised in writing to never ever champion the nuclear option of letting enough wealth trickle down that a majority of Americans would just naturally vote Republican and thereby undermine Corporate America’s hard-earned right to use their inordinate wealth to exclusively keep America safe for Capitalism.