New Surge in Petraeus Sex Scandal

Shining City Gazette has learned of a new series of twists in what’s being called All-Ingate, the rapidly widening and deepening sex scandal that began with media darling and now ex-CIA director General David Petraeus and one of his many  hagiographers, Paula Broadwell, author of All In - The Education of General David Petraeus.

According to sources, during the routine warrantless monitoring of FBI agent Frederick Humphries in his capacity as a US citizen, CIA agent Mary Beth Waters uncovered a trove of email and phone and face-to-face communications that indicate that in the warrantless monitoring of Paula Broadwell’s communications with General Petraeus that FBI agent Humphries conducted in response to Florida socialite Jill Kelley’s complaint about the threatening emails she was receiving from Ms. Broadwell, who reportedly was jealous of Ms. Kelley’s cozy relationship with General Petraeus, FBI agent Humphries himself fell deeply in love with the dangerously fit and irresistible former supreme commander of US forces in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Undiverted by FBI agent Humphries’ wildly overcompensating for these new homoerotic feelings for the General by sending shirtless photos of himself to socialite Kelley, CIA agent Waters kept warrantlessly sifting through all the communications involving the initial extra-marital love triangle until she uncovered not only FBI agent Humphries’ love for General Petraeus, but also the jealous, threatening emails he’d begun anonymously sending to both Ms. Broadwell and Ms. Kelley.

In the course of her warrantless monitoring, CIA agent Waters apparently herself fell under the spell of the man behind the so-called Bush Surge.

According to sources, CIA agent Waters’ subsequent jealous, threatening emails to FBI agent Humphries were inadvertently picked up by agent Angela Espinosa from the National Reconnaissance Office.

It seems that in her routine warrantless monitoring of the American press, NRO agent Espinosa uncovered Holly Petraeus’ anonymous spamming of news outlets across the country with an email jealously threatening reporters and columnists and editorial boards for their so-called “group sucking of the General’s d**k.”

It was in her follow-up, off-duty warrantless monitoring of the growing number of parties involved in All-Ingate that NRO agent Espinosa stumbled first across CIA agent Waters’ threatening emails to FBI agent Humphries and then across the involvement of Washington Post columnist David Ignatius in this exponentially propagating sex polygon.

It seems Mr. Ignatius, still dazzled by the charm he’d succumbed to when General Petraeus had embedded him for several weeks in the Middle East, had sent threatening emails to Senate Intelligence Committee Chairwoman and war profiteer and hawk Diane Feinstein for her so-called “public sucking of the d**k of General Petraeus.”

Senator Feinstein then, acting on the bad intelligence that it was President Obama sending her the threatening emails, began sending emails to the so-called Commander in Chief threatening to turn him in for violating the Uniform Code of Military Justice plus any number of private and public-sector laws against sexual harassment by “constantly sucking the d**k of a subordinate.”

According to sources, this is when agent Phillip Daly from the National Geospatial Intelligence Agency comes into the picture.

During the routine warrantless monitoring of Senator Feinstein and the rest of Congress, NGIA agent Daly reportedly discovered the threatening emails spammed to Congress by the National Press Association, whose investigative reporting team had mistakenly identified Congress as the authors of the jealous, threatening emails Holly Petraeus was sending them.

It was agent Pamela Snyder from the Defense Intelligence Agency who, during routine warrantless monitoring of Mr. Paul Ryan in his capacity as a simple US citizen, discovered that Senator Ryan was receiving threatening emails from the rest of Congress, who were acting on the bad intelligence that it was Mr. Ryan sending jealous, threatening emails to them over how much more attention General Petraeus’ physical fitness always got than his did.

It was also DIA agent Snyder who discovered that it was the neoconservative strategic experts at Brookings who were sending emails to Senator Ryan calling him a “big pu**y” compared to General Petraeus.