GOP Set to Divvy up its Figments

In the building post-election split-up between the diehard and the dieharder halves of the Republican party, a custody battle has begun raging over the prodigious brood of so-called zombie ideas the right wing has hatched and populated the social and political landscape with in recent decades.

Said senior Republican strategist Ted Spencer, “Nobody expects this battle between the downers and the double-downers of the GOP to be the least bit amicable. It’s just really not in their DNA to share. But given the well known staying power of Republican bugbears, we just hope these two worthy opponents can avoid making up stuff about each other as we go forward in protecting America from the America- and God-hating, gay- and alien-loving liberal socialist baby killing terrorist enablers."

At stake in this less than civil war between GOP reactionaries and overreactionaries, or the so-called Herbal Tea and the Tea parties, is ownership of such politically potent, thoroughly discredited imperishable brainchildren as the bogeys that Barack Obama is a Muslim socialist from Kenya itching to take away Americans’ guns and grandmas and hand their country over to the UN by way of the Delphi method of mind control; that the Clintons are a modern-day Bonnie and Clyde who literally get away with murder; that Saddam Hussein’s fingerprints are still all over 9/11; that voter ID fraud is the problem with the nation’s electronic electoral system; that FEMA’s real mission is to inter Americans in concentration camps.

On the bargaining table as well is the unkillable litter of far out claims that empirically substantiated liberal claims regarding such issues as global warming and voting fraud and torture and other war crimes and simple geology and human history are far out.

Said Dr. Nathan Daniels, chair of the Political Science department at Dartmouth University, “Republicans have more than enough secondary zombie ideas to go around. If the so-called tory and hallucina-tory factions of the party have to divide up all the Soros- and Obama- and Clinton- and Gore- and LBJ- and Roosevelt- and UN- and homosexual- and foreigner- and feminist-spawned zombie ideas between them, I think everybody on the right’s going to be just fine.

“Where the Grand Old Party’s going to get itself into trouble is if the two sides can’t negotiate joint custody of the Republican darlings—the immortal ideas that wealth trickles down, that every American could be filthy rich, that tax cuts lower deficits, that America can’t live without the filthy rich, that the way to fix the problems caused by deregulation is to deregulate, that government is the problem, that the media is liberal, that liberal is a dirty word, that the way to win hearts and minds is always to stop them from operating.”

Added Dr. Daniels, “And it’s not just a matter of hammering out who gets the zombie ideas either. Perhaps even more crucial is the question of who takes charge of the machinery that keeps all these unbelievable ideas alive. Who works the levers and dials and knobs of the elaborate life support system of think tanks and conservative radio and television and wishful and paranoid thought waves?

“And what about all the new easily discredited but not so easily erased ideas that get hatched from now on? What happens when Sarah Palin out there in the god-forsakenly far right, for instance, gives birth to the idea that it’s the lamestream liberal media that’s to blame for making America think there’s a war between her and the merely far right of the Republican party? What’s to keep the merely far right from using her brainchild without asking or from even taking all the credit for it?”

“It’s definitely a tricky question,” admitted GOP strategist Spencer. “But I’m confident we can come up with a system for issuing birth certificates to these zombie ideas that will meet the very high standards of proof demanded by all the real and true Americans on and in the right.”