In what some are calling an act of unprecedented political courage, President Barack Obama today changed his political affiliation from Democrat to Republican.
Explained the president’s new spokesperson, Ari Fleischer, former White House press secretary for George W. Bush, “The president just doesn’t see any other way to stop himself from spending another four years slapping the people who voted him into office in all their dumbstruck faces.”
Said Mr. Fleischer, “Look, this is a president who from day one has been up front about his inability to act like a Democrat if he’s not forced to do so by all the Democrats who vote for him. How many times has he publicly begged the Democratic establishment to hold his feet to the fire of his campaign rhetoric?
“And then what happens when he looks forward and not backward or even side-to-side at the war crime wave perpetrated by his Republican predecessors? Nothing. What happens when he keeps looking forward and not backward or even side-to-side at the financial crime wave perpetrated by the likes of the very Wall Street people he chooses to surround himself with instead of anybody even remotely interested in championing the cause of the 99%? Again, nothing.
“What happens when he unilaterally just gives away the public option? When he extends Bush wars and tax cuts? When Guantanamo celebrates one anniversary after another? When he throws a record number of whistleblowers to the wolves of his War on Terror? When the Surveillance State gets permanently added to the union without a scintilla of public debate? Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, and more nothing.
“What happens when he starts assassinating American citizens and their teenage children? I’ll tell you what happens. He gets cheered. What happens when he orders drone strikes that obliterate kids and then the people who come to retrieve the body parts of the kids? He gets cheered even louder.
“What happens when after all that happens he suddenly starts talking a populist line and asks all those people who voted him into his first presidency to give him their votes again? They give him their votes again.
“Come on, people. What is this president supposed to do when his people keep apologizing for him for actions and policies they’d never let him get away with if he were a Republican?
“Well I don’t know what he’s supposed to do, but I’ll tell you what this courageous president has done. He’s become the Republican his former people will maybe now get up off their butts and stop before he uses all the political capital they just gave him to bargain away their Social Security and Medicare and who knows what other bulwarks against nationwide epidemic destitution.
“Somebody desperately needs to do something to stop President Obama from going through with this great betrayal of his Democratic base, and the only man in America with the political courage I guess to do so is President Obama himself.”
In very related late breaking news, the nation’s political commentators are already seeing signs that President Obama’s bold move to join the Republican Party by way of achieving Democratic ends may be backfiring.
Apparently Republicans’ animus toward President Obama substantially outweighs their hatred of Democratic principles.
Pundits from all along the political spectrum are predicting that with President Obama now explicitly championing conservative ideals, as opposed to his tacitly having done so for the past four years, Republicans will take a sharp turn to the left, in which case in these so highly polarized times the left will reflexively turn sharply to the right.
Said new White House deputy press secretary Dana Perino, “It may seem like we’re heading back to square one, but the fact of the matter is that the pundits have forgotten to factor in the high likelihood that now that this president is a Republican he’ll soon begin flaunting conservative principles, which is to say that all by himself he’ll be acting exactly like the Democrat he’s been so futilely begging the Democrats to make him act like.”