A team of theistic scientists at the Discovery Institute’s Center for Science and Culture announced today that they have detected the long-predicted rip in the social fabric caused by same-sex marriage.
Explained Timothy Bishop, M. Div., from the Discovery team, “As opposed to the mysterious invisible hole in the ozone layer or the so conveniently impossible to see carbon overcoat supposedly warming the globe, the gaping tear the gays have created in Our Lord’s Intelligent Social Design has now been outed so to speak for all to see.”
“We couldn’t of course have done it without the Good Lord Himself,” said Discovery team leader Roger Bacon, S.T.B. “In His inimitably mysterious way He let us know that we were getting warmer and warmer as we closed in on the perfect vantage point from which to get a good, clear look at the hole the homosexuals have poked so to speak in the social contract with God.
“There it was,” said Mr. Bishop. “A tattered window into oblivion. And unsurprisingly, according to our rigorous and double- and triple-checked calculations it has the exact dimensions it would take for the devil to slip through.
“It’s also, by the way, a fissure that will only widen as all the decency in our society pours out through it in a raging flood of biblical proportions.”
“Technically, a more precise way to describe it,” said Mr. Bacon, “is to say that the infernal heat from the everlasting fires of hell is abhorrently rushing in through this rip to fill the void left by all the decency rushing out.
“And just for the record, by the way, the quantity of heat pouring in thanks to this tear in the social fabric precisely matches down to the last decimal point the amount of warming all the secular scientists keep squawking about.
“So I suppose you can say global warming is man-made—if you want to call gays and lesbians men.”
Added Mr. Bishop, “At the risk of sowing an unrighteous despair, based on an array of meteorological models derived from centuries of Old Testament weather patterns, we can say with well over 110% certainty that if something isn’t done about this runaway global warming, the sea of traditional matrimony is just going to dry up and blow away.”
Further added Rita Martinez, master’s degree candidate in Divinatory Psychology at Liberty Bible College, “According to our calculations, the odds are better than even that God Himself will rid us of all these two-man and two-woman Sodoms and Gomorrah threatening the holy institution of traditional marriage.
“So it’s critical that we immediately begin a campaign to educate traditional wives about the dangers of sneaking a peek at the meting of holy justice out to the sodomites.”
In other science news, paleo-biblical archeologists digging between the lines of scripture in and around the Book of Deuteronomy have discovered that it was the prophets Elijah and Joshua, with the help of the mysterious Ambidextrous Angel, who planted the dinosaur bones all over the world.