Friday, April 5, 2013

America Gets Good Drone News

In a much needed piece of good news regarding the president’s now controversial killer drone program, the New York Times is reporting the government leak of a story about a signature drone strike in Pakistan that serendipitously annihilated a grief-stricken widower just as he was about to open fire on dozens of children courageously gathered for the re-opening of a drone strike-damaged elementary school.

According to the leak, thought to have originated from the president’s secret Office of Selective Transparency, the militant in question had luckily been exhibiting patterns of behavior almost doubly consistent with his being a militant.

In particular, his age, his sex, his country of residence, and his having lost a wife by drone strike put him front and center on America’s radar screen just in time for America to avert a deadly school shooting in Pakistan along the lines of what America is witnessing in America.

Anonymous sources close to the leak have told Shining City Gazette that the militant in question, before becoming a militant by dint of his being surgically annihilated by a drone strike, was actually not a militant.

In a rambling note left behind at his house, the militant in question to-be apparently promised to shoot as many elementary schoolers as there were bullets for his legally purchased high capacity assault rifle to avenge the death of his young bride, who in recent days had innocently crossed deadly paths with a gang of careless school children playing chicken with an overhead drone by engaging in patterns of behavior known to be associated with militancy.

Unfortunately it is not possible even for the Office of Selective Transparency to say with precision how many children America saved from being shot to death in this incident, partly because so many were collaterally damaged beyond recognition as entities separate from one another, and partly because of all the impossibly Byzantine military red tape involved in overriding the strict command to never include women and children in drone-strike body counts in the interest of preserving the president’s perfect record of never having blown up anyone but a militant.

The official unofficial best estimate of the number of children America saved from being massacred by gunfire is said, however, to be in the range of 40 to 50.

Said White House spokesman Jay Carney, “The two-for-one takeaway from this leak is that, one, the president’s hypothetical drone program just pulled off the nearly impossible feat of stopping a random school shooting before it could happen, and, two, no civilized society should have to rely on America’s drone program to make up for its inability to pass a little common sense gun control legislation that keeps deadly automatic assault weapons out of the hands of the unstable.

“And I would also direct America’s attention to the high praise the president is receiving from fellow Democrats for opting not to double tap the school where this horrific mass shooting would have taken place.”

In more good drone-related news, the US Office of Travel and Tourism Industries is reporting near record first quarter tourism business from the Middle East and the African continent as a direct result of the president’s decision to hold off on bringing his killer drone program home to US soil.

Said OTTI’s Jennifer Weeks, “More and more Pakistanis and Yemenis and even Syrians and Somalians are choosing to take their much needed family vacations right here in the US.

“Ironically, America seems now to be the only place on Earth where these people can get a vacation from the constant overhead threat of death by America.”

Added Ms. Weeks, “Our hospitality associates are having wonderful luck convincing our sometimes a little shell-shocked Muslim visitors that their stay in America is sure to be a pleasantly memorable one if they will only religiously heed the travel advisory warning to stay out of movie theaters and elementary, middle, and high schools and colleges and rural marijuana patches and any and all inner cities and convenience stores and of course the state of Colorado.”

According to Ms. Weeks, her office is in the final stages of a plan to use Reaper and Predator Drones to carpet bomb Arab and African nations with travel brochures from participating US states.

A bidding war has also reportedly broken out between tourist-hungry states eager to buy the sky ad banners America’s hundreds of active drones are currently being retrofitted for waving above their target populations.

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