Wednesday, April 3, 2013

DOMA Supporters Cede Marriage

In what some are calling a case of anticipatory sore losing, DOMA support organizations across the Heartland are not waiting for the Supreme Court to rule against them to start drawing up and promoting new government legislation they're calling the Defense of Homophobia Act.

On one major front in this so-called war for America's soul, the Academy of Theistic Scientists will in their words be "burying" the growing body of scientific evidence that homophobia is a choice.

Said the Academy's Dr. Wendel Marbury, "You can't choose to get the willies every time you see or even think about two guys kissing."

Added Dr. Marbury's longtime research partner Dr. Blake Adams, "I don't choose to be irrationally afraid of snakes and choking. Dr. Marbury doesn't choose to be afraid of tight places. And trust me, nobody is choosing to be afraid of anal and homo oral sex, much less choosing to be afraid of what Leviticus 20:13 says about what should happen to men who engage in such behaviors.

"The next thing you know,..." began Dr. Adams.

"...the boys over in the so-called hard sciences will be pulling scientific proof positive out of their test tubes if not their anuses that we're all choosing to be afraid of God," finished Dr. Marbury.

"And/or instantaneous catastrophic salinization," added Dr. Adams. "Like what happened to Lot's wife for just taking one peek at men doing with men what they do with women."

Said Brian S. Brown, president and co-founder of the National Organization for Marriage, "Everybody wants to make the homophobes out to be the crazy ones. Well I ask you, who's the nut job--Lot, or the most infamous non-homophobe in biblical history, his wife?"

Explained Mr. Brown, "We're being the reasonable ones here. Leviticus 20:13 couldn't more explicitly tell us that homos are to be put to death for their detestable acts. We're not really asking for that. All we ever wanted was for the gays to keep out of our married state, so to speak."

Said NOM's co-founder Maggie Gallagher, "We hereby give up. What we're now saying to the Sodomites and their masculine counterparts is this: You want to ruin marriage for the rest of us? Fine. You can have it. It's all yours. We don't want it anymore. Go knock yourselves out. The wedding industry can't wait to set you back, oh, about the cost of a lifetime membership at San Francisco's finest bathhouse, which guess what, you and the new mister don't get to frequent anymore.

"And hey, rack yourselves up some brats while you're at it. And some step- and half-brats. And some grand step- and grand half-brats and all the grander and grander brats after that.

"And while you're racking up the brats and all the missed anniversaries and all the weeks and then months and then years without your precious gay sex, at least within the sanctity of your marriage, and while you're watching your partner turn into your mother- and/or father-in-law when he or she's not busy growing hair in some inappropriate places and losing it in others and flirting all night long with terminal sleep apnea and surrendering without a fight to gravity, please rest assured that you can find that marital bliss you're looking for in the knowledge that in these unholy no-fault times there are always plenty more balls and chains out there where the one you've got came from, and they come in an endless array of shapes and sizes and ages from your basic trophy husband to your pruned sugar mama with one stomach-turning foot already in the grave.

"And don't worry. There are plenty of Renos and Las Vegases already set up to help you save in next wedding costs what you lose thanks to brat support and community property laws and the rapacity of divorce lawyers.

"Oh and by the way, some of the brand new newlyweds will need to take time out from their happy happy lifelong honeymoon with their same-sex partner to take over from Brian and John and me and the rest of us here at the National Organization for Marriage the thankless job of defending the married state.

"I mean, who's going to futilely put their foot down when everybody now starts demanding the right to marry their monkey? As everybody knows, monkeys are our evolutionary first cousins, and you really shouldn't be marrying your first cousins."

Said John C. Eastman, NOM's Chairman of the Board, "The question is, what would Lot do? And the answer is that he would Zoar again to new heights, the little town of Zoar being the refuge Lot repaired to with his daughters when the Lord had to ruin his marriage thanks to the Sodomites.

"And now as biblical history repeats itself only on a much larger scale, it's off to another Zoar the faith community goes, each of us this time helping his helpmeet resist a peek at the ungodly dog's breakfast of misters and misseses the gays have made of our holy matrimony."

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