Wednesday, April 10, 2013

America Wins Class War

According to sources inside the White House, President Obama’s new budget proposal for 2014 is intended to represent no less than a declaration of victory in America’s brutal 30-Year Class War.

One senior aide-de-economic-camp of the president told Shining City Gazette, “The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and all America’s undeclared ongoing wars elsewhere on the globe have left rank and file Americans not only incredibly war weary but also starving for a win.

“Well this commander-in-chief has just given them one. The Class War is over, America. The upper class won. Everybody go home if you have one, or if you were already home because you don’t have a job, just stay there. Hug your spouse, even if he or she is the same sex as you. Hug the person you’re just living with if marriage doesn’t make economic sense anymore for you and your opposite or same-sex partner. Hug any small children you have that are home because America can’t afford Head Start anymore. Hug the adult children and any aging maternal and/or paternal Takers under any roof you might still have.

“This is the week the Class War to end all Class Wars was brought at long last to an end. President Obama has brought peace to the land while also, by the way, making the Nobel Peace Prize Committee out to be geniuses after all.”

Said Jane Newhouse, media relations director for the so-called Obama Nation, “He did it. Obama really did it. He snatched victory from the jaws of perpetual class warfare.

“He pretty much alone looked out there from sea to shining sea and saw that after 30 years in the less and less inhabitable trenches, the Takers in America weren’t exactly going to just snap back after the shock and awe of the Makers’ exploding of the deficit by blowing up the economy for all those below them.

“When the other side changed the Pottery Barn Rule to read ‘We break it, they pay for it’, it took this president to spell out the writing on the wall, which reads, ‘Good news, America: Give them victory and it will trickle down.’”

Said former class warrior and Taker Josh Green, “At the risk of sounding like a sore winner to the Obama Nation, some of us in the 99% just can’t help feeling like this victory deferred is a little like another defeat.

“In some ways I feel a bit like a 98-pound mongoloid who’s just been told he’s a big winner for having had his ass handed to him in the Special Olympics boxing ring by a fellow American suffering from megalomaniacal sociopathic gigantism compounded by ‘roid rage.

“I have to say, though, it definitely helps that there are so few spoils left for the more immediate victors in America to take from the Takers right now. It would have made victory that much harder to feel if we were experiencing the kind of rampant, unchecked plundering we were subjected to throughout the Great Class War.

“And it certainly seems like sound advice when President Obama tells us all to just keep looking hopefully forward and not backward at all the class war crimes the Makers were committing while the Takers were playing by the rules of engagement.

“Of course it would be nice as we’re doing all this looking in the forward direction to see something more along the lines of a Marshall Plan, or even Reconstruction, and less along the lines of a Treaty of Versailles situation with all its war guilt clauses and crippling reparations payments.

“Swapping the dogs of class war for even meaner wolves at our doors doesn’t seem like much of a peace dividend.

“But hey, who am I to tell President Obama that I’m not feeling all the hope to be had from embracing austerity by way of not really even lowering the national debt our former mortal Class War enemies racked up while plundering all the classes below them like there was no tomorrow?”

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