In a bombshell rocking American high school corridors and the corridors of American political and economic power alike, Wikileaks has just posted a highly classified report showing unambiguously that the US government has known for several years that the American Association of High School Guidance Counselors is actually a terrorist organization that has been patiently working for nearly two generations to bring America to its knees.
According to the report proper and its thousands of pages of supporting documents, guidance counselors across America have spent decades intentionally steering the worst possible people into positions of American leadership.
Through the highly complex manipulation of vocational interest inventories and Myers Briggs personality tests, along with a battery of modified behavior modification techniques borrowed from the American Kennel Society, these powerful gatekeepers turned social saboteurs have been remarkably successful at filling America’s ruling class with nothing but the top one percent of the nation’s citizens in terms of a proneness to narcissism, mendacity, group thinking, myopia, venality, corruption by power, hypocrisy, big-headedness, hawkishness, collective self-delusion, and a compassion-sapping self-satisfaction.
The terrorists have reportedly had the best luck over the years with the students who also struggled with the most basic concepts in their civics class.
Said Ray Mendez, an unemployed firefighter now working part-time as a private counter-terrorism intern, “The success of this longstanding cabal is all the more remarkable when you consider how badly they shot themselves in the foot with the plan they devised.
“I can’t imagine they anticipated the problem with crowding the Beltway and state capitols with the kinds of leaders who would do something stupid like decimate the ranks of low-paid public employees dedicated at least as far as they knew to improving the life chances of America’s youth, who, by the way, have needed more and more guidance counselors not fewer as America’s leaders have made it more and more difficult for the nation’s youth to succeed in life.
“The early successes of these terrorists in steering only the least qualified people into positions of power meant that soon these counselors were reduced to a skeleton crew outnumbered 100’s to one by their students.
“I think it may have steeled their will to bring down America as the very failed people they made leaders out of began ruthlessly vilifying their class of worker and working night and day to bust their unions and privatize their mission.
“So determined in fact has this ever dwindling terrorist cell been that not only have they managed to place all the wrong people on the path to leadership, but they’ve also kept all the right people off it.
“It’s amazing, really, how almost perfectly they filtered honesty, integrity, social consciousness, humility, and modesty out of the upper echelons of the political, corporate, media, academic, religious, and other spheres.”
Said Dana Albright from Washington, DC, “I would love to have been a CEO or maybe a senator or a judge, but back in high school my Strong Interest Inventory kept coming out negative for those vocations and positive for the helping professions.
“So I was a special education teacher for 20 years in a poverty-stricken community before my school was shuttered by Michelle Rhee and other education leaders.”
Said Mr. Mendez, “I hate like hell to admit defeat in the war on terrorism, but I don’t see how America pulls out of this nosedive the dipshits stuffed into the cockpit have steered us in.
“Who’s going to stop this army of unwitting Manchurian Candidates falling all over each other in their bubble to keep churning out horrific idiotic wars and Patriot Acts and cruelly ballooning plutocratic wealth and power inequality and unblinding Lady Justice when they’re not flaunting the rule of law altogether and relentlessly rendering the machinery of democratic governance more or less useless?
“At this point, now that the invoking yet again of state secrets has failed to keep the lid on this bombshell that all our leaders are tools of terrorism, the best we can hope for I suspect is a nationwide campaign of Reaper and Predator drone strikes on public high school teachers’ lounges, and of course the double taps that come after them.”