Friday, September 28, 2012

Drone Impact Report Brings Leaks

The Associated Press today is reporting a torrent of coincidentally exculpatory White House leaks following the recent publication of a new Stanford/NYU report, “Living under Drones”, that documents the long rumored Obama drone program’s long rumored terrorizing of Pakistan’s 800,000 Waziri people.

According to one leak, the Pattern of Life analysis used to identify targets for Predator and Reaper drone strikes is widely regarded in the industry as being beyond reproof.

This anonymous source revealed that before a person of interest becomes what drone program insiders refer to as “bugsplat”, he has to be caught engaging in no fewer than one hundred habits consistent with the modus vivendi of a terrorist.

Countered Human Rights Watch spokesperson Willa Hayes, “What the Obama administration’s secret leaker forgot to also leak is that when you add up the ablutions of the face, hands, and feet and add up all the prescribed postures and recitations in the 14 steps taken in each act of ritual Islamic prayer and you multiply all that by five, a Pakistani can be caught engaging in 99 of those habits in just one day of practicing just one aspect of his religion.

“And then if the Pakistani in question also happens to be caught engaging in the habit of being a male, an official America-sponsored target suddenly appears on his back—a target, by the way, that has the habit of rippling outward to include everything and everybody within a 50-yard radius.

“It is a target that also, by the way, has the amazing habit of outlasting the very drone strike it has prompted so it can be “double tapped”, as they say in the drone business, when Waziris start engaging in the highly suspicious habit of searching for the remains of blown-up loved ones.”

In another government leak, apparently calculated to assuage the conscience of the American people, it was disclosed that America’s drone strikes will soon no longer really even have America’s fingerprints on them.

In the works, according to the leak, is a new generation of unmanned aerial vehicle, called the Apocalypse drone, that will be equipped with sufficient artificial human intuition to generate the gut feeling needed to identify and bomb targets all on its own, effectively washing all the blood off all the hands of all its American sponsors.

In an apparently actual leak in response to this presumably well orchestrated one, an anonymous source deep inside the American security apparatus is blowing the whistle on the wasting of taxpayer dollars on a campaign to ease the minds of a populace that by and large couldn’t care less about how many Muslims get themselves blown up by American bombs.

In related news, the pharmaceutical industry is reporting record third-quarter profits, in part thanks to the explosion of demand for anti-anxiety drugs in areas where the eerie around-the-clock buzzing noise emitted by American drones poised within eyeshot overhead is relentlessly reminding all those below that they and/or their loved ones could become so-called bugsplat in any place at any time.

In response to charges of Pentagon complicity in war profiteering, White House spokesman Jay Carney today flatly denied being at liberty to comment on whether national security considerations allowed him to flatly deny that the Obama drone program that national security considerations did not allow him to deny or confirm the existence of is in any way, shape or form involved in American drug companies’ efforts to profit from any collateral mental health damage that may or may not result from a drone program that may or may not exist.

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