Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Muslim Hearts and Minds Fall

In a stunning development, the Muslims today surrendered en masse in their civilization's longstanding violent clash with America. Reports are coming in from every corner of the globe that the Muslim world is admitting to a man and now also to a woman that their hearts and minds have been won.

According to experts, the recent deadly wave of Muslim uprisings against America is proving to have been only the last passionate spasms of the hard-to-get that Muslims have been playing for years relative to unrelenting American overtures.

As Fox News commentator Charles Krauthammer eloquently put it, "Like so many towels thrown into the ring, the Muslims are laying down their turbans and hajibs by the hamper-load."

Added Mr. Krauthammer, "It's a great day to be a neoconservative chickenhawk. I guess 'No' doesn't necessarily mean 'No' afterall when you're pitching some good old American-style woo at another would-be conquest."

Said one dancing woman on the streets of Kandahar, "As far as my heart goes, they had me at Shock and Awe, but it took my mind until today to wrap itself around the idea that killing and torturing us pretty much indiscriminantly meant they were nuts about us."

Added her male companion, "For me it was sort of the other way around. My mind kept telling me it made perfect sense that America was trying to sweep us off our feet by bombing us, as they said, back to the Stone Age. My heart, however, just wouldn't let me see America's throwing itself at us for what it was."

One elderly Yemeni gentleman told reporters, "For me it all came together when the Americans did me the favor of not bombing me as I gathered the collateral damage a Reaper drone strike made of my children and grandchildren. The icing on the cake, as they say in America, was the bomb that did not fall on us and ruin the funeral."

Explained Iranian couples therapist Dr. Massoud Kahanian, "I'm sure at some level we Muslims have simply come to understand that America is just an overgrown schoolboy with a big dumb crush on the Muslim girl in his class. We have come to see all the violent indignities heaped on us for so many decades as just so many of our pigtails dunked in an inkwell."

In a hastily arranged press conference, President Obama this morning told the world, "This obviously good news has caught us a little off guard. Unfortunately we're still under legal contract for several dozen more Reaper drone strikes.

"So we need Muslims to hold that thought regarding the white flag they're so joyously waving today. Please just everybody sit tight and be patient while America does what it does--honor its commitments."

For its part, the Romney campaign, reluctant in the homestretch of this election season to allow President Obama to be seen as the man who won over the Muslims, has issued a statement warning Americans not to fall for this sudden conversion.

"At the very most what we're looking at," says the statement, "is a widespread outbreak of Stockholm Syndrome."

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