Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Justice Scalia Diagnosed with Rare Disease

Shining City Gazette has confirmed reports that Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia is suffering from a rare disorder known as Geppetto Syndrome.

Primarily afflicting elderly men of Italian descent, this condition fills its victims with the irrational wish to pull all the strings and to bring inanimate entities to life.

“This diagnosis really explains a lot,” said Supreme Court historian Dr. Paul Clarke. “Scalia’s pathological weakness for puppeteering and for male offspring figures prone to vices and woodenheadedness perfectly explains his strange relationship with Clarence Thomas.”

Added Italian-American juridical psychologist Dr. Sophia Petrocelli, “Now we all have a way to wrap our brains around the Citizens United ruling. Scalia’s fellow conservative justices most likely caught his infectious will to recreate the Pinocchio story.

“Across the country, what we now have is a raft of brand new real boys out there at the mercy of all the Honest Johns and Gideons running the corporate and political show.

“In other words, thanks to this crippling disease that has claimed the mind of Justice Scalia, the US Constitution—at one time an immutable thing made of tree-based paper—is now a living document with precious few defenses against a world full of hucksters and would-be slavemasters.”

“Perhaps the worst part of this whole unfortunate business,” said Dr. Clarke, “is that in Scalia’s doting paternal eyes the litter of corporate persons turning America into a veritable Paradise Island can do no wrong.”

With characteristic prickliness, Justice Scalia is scoffing at the commentary his illness has spawned in liberal quarters.

Said Scalia, “What all these Blue Fairies on the left ought to be wasting their time getting their undies in a bundle over is the Third Degree Aggravated Coachman’s Syndrome I’ve contracted by wishing too hard upon a star that somebody would shut all the libertine donkeys up around here and put them to work in the salt mines of the job creators.”

For all the 76-year-old jurist’s bluster, according to sources, when all alone behind closed doors he can often be heard carrying on tender conversations as if with a real boy.

Said one aide to chambers, “In light of his Geppetto Syndrome and the Citizens United ruling, I’m afraid he’s maybe personified the Heritage Foundation in his increasingly senile mind. Or maybe the American Enterprise Institute.

“Either that or he’s in there holding a conversation with the hard-on he’s always had for liberals.”

In related news, the National Right to Life Committee announced today that it is joining “full force” in the fight against efforts to terminate the corporate persons conceived by the Supreme Court’s conservative judges in the landmark Citizens United case.

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