Friday, September 14, 2012

Taxpayer Relief Coming: Part Two

In an exclusive interview, the Surveillance State division’s Director of Research and Development Dr. Anthony Parks recently shared with Shining City Gazette some of the exciting new fronts in its all-out push to get SS off the taxpayer dime.

As one example, in an effort made possible by a sizable grant from the Pharmaceutical Research and Manufacturers of America Association, the agency is looking into ways to capitalize on the creepy unremitting SS-generated feeling among Americans that they are being watched.

According to Dr. Parks, this chronic, around-the-clock sensation has dangerously over-agitated the fear centers of the phobia-prone conservative mind. To a degree that is threatening to shred the American social fabric, conservatives have grown irrationally afraid of women and their bodies, Muslims, gays, socialists, truth, science, black people, brown people, their shadows, even fear itself.

Said Dr. Parks, “I wish I could share with you some of the crazy paranoiac right-wing activities we’ve stumbled onto as we’ve turned over every stone in America in our search for Islamic terrorists.

“We are obviously not going to let the terrorists win by letting the surveillance state they made necessary tear America apart. So we’re working closely with PhRMA to develop a drug, perhaps one in the SSRI family, that will chill conservative Americans out enough to avert a meltdown, but not so much that they can’t continue to see the dire need for a surveillance state.

“If all goes well, by this time next month the SS division will be collecting its 20% of the revenues on these new bullets if you will in the War on Terror.”

On another front, the SS division is exploring ways to exploit the electoral element of the American democratic system.

Explained Dr. Parks, “We’ve got way more than enough information on every American citizen of voting age to predict how they will vote in any given race and on any given issue with a tiny margin of error that actual voting can’t come close anymore to competing with.

“Oh my god, I wish I could share with Shining City Gazette some of the unbelievable electronic voting fraud activities we’ve picked up in our hunt for terrorists. If the American public knew what I know, they wouldn’t bother going to the polls anyway.”

According to Dr. Parks, the good news for the agency on the voting front is that there are so many Americans facing the array of obstacles that Republicans have been placing between them and the voting booth. The bad news is that these Americans are all mostly too poor to afford what SS would have to charge to determine and register their voting wishes for them.

Added Dr. Parks, “Of course in this increasingly election-based economy, the good idea to move to a best-estimation-based voting system is meeting with stiff resistance from any number of public and private parties.”

Perhaps the plan with the greatest potential for generating funds, according to Dr. Parks, involves the so-called gold mine of incriminating information on which the SS division is sitting.

Advisors at the Department of Justice are even now working on the last draft of a memo laying out the legal justification for subjecting Americans to blackmail and other forms of extortion.

“According to my sources,” said Dr. Parks, “which by the way are let’s just say pretty good, the lawyers over at the DOJ are having a little trouble finding the right weasel words for the behaviors in question. Apparently ‘Enhanced Changing of Hands’ isn’t striking quite the right note to some ears.”

No comments:

Post a Comment