Friday, September 21, 2012

New Poll Test in the Works

Democrats announced today that they are mounting a counter-offensive in the Republicans' ongoing war on left-leaning poor and minority voters.

Said DNC spokesperson Dale Humphries, "We're telling Republican governors and state attorneys general across the country that we'll see their voter ID laws and we'll raise them a poll test that all would-be voters will have to pass to prove their citizenship in the reality-based world.

"Right now what you've technically got in the Republican base is literally millions of aliens trying to vote in America's sovereign elections. We're sorry, but if you don't know within an eon how old the real world is, you don't get to vote in it."

Added Democratic strategist Ted Davis, "One good thing about this new effort to protect our democratic system is that for inhabitants of the fact-driven world, the test will be so simple that our get-out-the-vote volunteers will not have to use valuable resources organizing cram sessions for registered Democrats.

"What I also love is that all the costly cram sessions in the world are not going to up in the least what is likely to be the abysmal pass rate of Teabaggers.

"Let me put it this way," explained Mr. Davis, "A senile former flower child on a magic mushroom trip warped by an acid flashback has a much better chance of passing this test than a bloc of musket-toting wingnuts who don't know that God doesn't really sit down and hold personal conversations with their political heroes."

"For fun," said Mr. Humphries, "the test's first item is going to be the following. 'True or false: a handful of Mickey Mouses and Julius Caesars casting votes in America's elections over the course of decades constitutes a graver threat to American democracy than an electronic vote-counting machine in a swing state with a Republican attorney general.'

"And by all means," Mr. Humphries told this Shining City Gazette reporter, "go right on ahead and print that little sneak preview. The beauty of the pig-headed, reality-challenged right-winger is that he or she's not ever budging from the comfort of Planet Fox no matter what the stakes are.

"Hell, we're not even going to have to change the test from one election to the next. Not when all the leaders of these people have infantilizing misinformation campaigns down to such a science. Or should I say anti-science?"

In other voting news, the mainstream media failed again today to report on an electronic voting fraud story coming out of the nation's swing states.

In county after county across Florida, Ohio, and Pennsylvania, irregularities have arisen as elections boards have used complimentary electronic vote-counting machines to determine the outcome of their votes for or against proposed measures for addressing the nearly one dozen cases of voter ID fraud nationwide over the past several election cycles.

According to sources, in one case after another, by votes of six to five, ten-member boards evenly divided between Republicans and Democrats have reached the decision to suppress the votes of poor people and minorites.

In one case so troubling that the mainstream media may have to cover it, the nays got no votes at all against 110 yays.

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