Ancient Human Rot Linked to Autism

Scientists at the Center for Bibliogenetic Studies, working with researchers in the Mephitics Division of the Centers for Disease Control, believe they have at last identified the source of the autism epidemic sweeping the modern world.

Said Dr. Rene Wainright of the CBS, “It’s sort of horrible. What we’ve discovered is that humanity is now collectively experiencing a chronic and profound Jungian déjà vu tracing back to a time just before The Flood when, as the Bible tells us, ‘The Lord saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.’

“This mostly subliminal flashing back is nonetheless so powerful that it is stirring up the deep vestiges of the rotted common antediluvian soul that still resides in the mitochondrial RNA of all of us.

“The thing is, as our colleagues in the Mephitical Sciences have just discovered with the help of new advances in fetor detection technology, humanity is now palpably giving off a very ancient, unbelievably foul smell.

“While at some level we are all already aware of this growing stench as it rapidly approaches the threshold of our collective consciousness, some of our poor little children with a certain olfactory profile, now roughly one little guy in 88, have been picking up this ungodly reek in such potent doses they can’t even look their loathsome fellow human beings in the eye or bear any other form of contact with them.”

Explained Dr. James McMichael from the Division of Archeolfaction at the CDC, “In the case of this so poisonous time-worn odor, the sense of smell’s well-known ability to unearth deep memories has set off in these completely defenseless kids an RNA-level recollection of all the so soul-rotting habits and attitudes of man and woman in the time of humanity’s 10^th and last patriarch Noah.

“And then as these poor woeful boys and girls grow up they watch in shock as all their sort of amorphous, slightly sub-nameable odor-based impressions of their own species take all too palpable shape in all the so abhorrent habits and attitudes of all these people around them now reprising the times that brought on the first worldwide Flood that flushed away all the killing and stealing and lying and coveting—all the heartless harming of so many by so many.”

Said Dr. Wainright, “And of course all these millions of lonely kids now huddled all along the autism spectrum are recoiling more and more woefully from their own kind as they are blasted by the odor cocktail being mixed up as the modern-day human soul adds a layer of stench from all the rot it’s now undergoing after all the restorative efforts of Moses and Jesus and Buddha and Mohammed and Gandhi and Bertha Sophie von Suttner and Emily Greene Balch and Mother Theresa and Martin Luther King and Rigoberta Manchu have worn off and we’re heartbreakingly right back again where we started.

“It’s just no wonder these kids throw so many tantrums. They’ve got to be channeling all the utterly, utterly deep-seated frustration of all history’s innocent bystanders as the species’ leaders have marched us not at all along an ultimately linear path toward decency, but into a big loop that goes nowhere but always right back to just asking to be divinely annihilated again.

“I mean, good lord. Look at us. Who can blame these sweet little canaries for not wanting to have anything to do with the rest of us as we keep digging and digging ourselves deeper and deeper into the coal mine of our baser natures.

“After all these centuries of so-called civilization, the best we can come up with is a merciless worldwide cutthroat capitalism that rewards only those who are most immune to the golden rule.

“I’m not sure what’s going to happen when we all together become conscious of the horrible human stink the autistic among us are already dealing with. I’m not really sure how we could loathe each other more than we’ve already been trained to do.

“I am pretty sure, though, that God’s got a wry smile on his face up there in these second antediluvian times as all these God-playing titans of earth-destroying industry allow him to keep his Covenant with us by doing his job of bringing on a purgative worldwide flood.”