In an article out today in the journal Net Worth, Dr. Patricia Simmons, chair of the Department of Greed Studies at the University of Wisconsin, Madison, has presented the long-awaited preliminary findings from her multidisciplinary search for an answer to one of the more puzzling questions of our time: Why are society’s super rich so dramatically outstripping the upper limits set by most psychobehavioral and sociological and political and even biochemical and spiritual models on the amount of greed a human being should be capable of generating?
At a news conference held today as the February edition of Net Worth was hitting the stands, Dr. Simmons told reporters, “Let me just start by saying it’s probably no longer really fair or appropriate to judge the super rich according to human or even simian moral codes or other standards of behavior.
“Based on early analysis of the data, it’s highly likely that the super rich are now an entirely different species, if not a different entity altogether. We’ll know for sure as soon as the NIH Human Subject Protection Review Board gives us clearance to test whether the One Percent is still capable of breeding with the rest of us.
“At the moment we’re sitting tight as the NIH sorts out the bureaucratic snag caused by the very good possibility that the super rich do turn out not to be human anymore, in which case it would have been the Animal Subject or perhaps the Alien Subject Review Board that should have had jurisdiction over our application for using subjects in the super rich class, or genus if you will.
“Not to mention, in the event that our working hypothesis does prove correct, we will have made our non-super rich subjects have unproductive intercourse with something other than a human being.
“In any event, for now, I think it’s safe to say that the American public should be prepared to entirely revamp their conception of society’s Maker class and the Takers’ relationship to it.
Said research team member Dr. Don Espinoza, professor of Bioeconomics at the Madison campus, “I think the lay person trying to wrap his or her brain around the unfathomable scope of the greed we’re talking about would benefit from looking at the super rich as some class of unbelievably proliferative germ or virus on steroids. Or a parasite run amuck if that helps. An invasive plant species perhaps along the lines of an ivy.
“Maybe the best way to look at it is that wealth on the super rich’s rarefied plane of existence is actually more like an element or a medium. Think of it as water to a fish in a pond it’s much much too big for.”
Added Dr. Simmons, “All this is not to say that the super rich have become so alien that we have no human frames of reference at all for beginning to understand the so mind-boggling immensity of their rapaciousness.
“We still haven’t completely ruled out the theory that there’s something unprecedentedly precious out there that the super rich know about and need unbelievable amounts of money to purchase. It could be some kind of truffle maybe or some prehistoric fish roe preserved in amber or some other substance. Maybe it’s a gem of some sort that is shiny beyond belief that makes it worth it to these greed units if you will to take so much from so many.
“It could even be that their private-sector scientists have discovered that money can buy love and/or happiness after all but it takes almost unimaginable quantities of it to do so.
What the research team has ruled out, though, according to Religiobioeconomics professor Dr. Sally Nguyen, is the theory that the super rich sold their souls to the Devil to become super rich and now are trying to amass enough extra-added wealth to buy their souls back with enough left over to still be super rich.
Said Dr. Nguyen, “In none of the super rich we’ve tested have we ever found even the most miniscule trace amounts of residual soul matter to suggest that they ever had a soul to sell.
“We’ve in fact established pretty irrefutably that it’s only an innate soullessness itself that could possibly be driving the kind of greed we’re witnessing in these times of so much worldwide hardship and misery.”