Friday, January 11, 2013

Politician Buy-Back in the Works

A new and rapidly growing special interest group calling itself The People today unveiled its plan to buy America’s elected officials back from the nation’s corporate class.

Sources inside The People’s Think Tank have told Shining City Gazette that The People will be collecting up all the tax-relief bones thrown at them in the current so-called fiscal dog and pony show posing as something other than another big corporate giveaway and using them to make the owners of America’s political class a deal they can’t refuse.

Said The People’s spokesperson Joe Tanaka, “We’re going to exploit corporate America’s well known short-sighted obsession with turning unheard of profits.

“If the debt ceiling talks go the way we think they’re going to go, we’ll soon be in a position to pay the corporations up to twice what they’re currently paying for the members of the legislative branch of our country.

“What’s really great is that the corporate negotiators we’re already working with have committed to pulling every string they can to secure a debt ceiling deal in Washington that puts enough consolation money in the pockets of The People that we can swing this Congress buy-back deal.

“Then with Congress working on our dime instead of Wall Street’s we should soon have the resources to buy back the Executive branch and, knock wood, ultimately the Judicial. With all three branches of government in our pocket we can then start working to institute economic policies that help us recoup all the high annual costs of owning the three branches of government.”

Said Betty Havens, treasurer of The People’s Think Tank, “Certainly it will hurt to spend any alms that slip through the fingers of the super rich on making the super rich richer. And I know it seems pretty dumb to spend any money, much less billions, on a pack of ambitious, self-interested, big-headed, money-grubbing, double-dealing rats like our elected officials and the right-wing justices on the Supreme Court.

“But at the same time it feels pretty darn good to be fighting the fire of runaway corruption with a little fire of our own.”

“Oh my god,” said Phillip Anderson, Corporate America’s chief negotiator with The People, “it’s like taking candy from a baby. A retarded baby. A blind retarded baby with a kick-me sign on its back. I honestly don’t know if it’s hilarious or sad or just plain adorable.

“With a grand total of exactly no intellectual capital The People arrive at our bargaining table and start offering us twice the market price for a preening load of boobs and stooges and Keystone Cops on the take.

“I mean outside the confines of our capitalist system you’d almost have to feel a little sorry about the butterfingers The People were born with when it comes to grasping that all those thumbs they were born with when it comes to grabbing for and holding on to money means they need to just keep walking on their two left economic feet right past the old upward mobility ladder.

“I can’t tell you how hard it is sometimes to watch The People carry on about buying the politicians back from us when just a couple weeks ago our numbers crunchers determined that in these times of high inflation in the politician market it is more cost effective to just pay voters to vote for the people we want.

“So now, we’ll let The People overextend themselves by paying ridiculous prices for their now even more worthless elected officials so it will take less money to buy their votes for the elected officials who will let us suck more and more money out of the system so it will cost us less and less to buy the votes for the elected officials who let us suck more and more money out of the system.”

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