Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Obama Takes New Bargaining Tack

In a new fiscal negotiation move, President Obama today began attempting to pin Republicans down on what percentage of the nation’s wealth they would need to secure for the super rich to see their way clear to stop holding America hostage economically all the time.

Said White House press secretary Jay Carney, “We’re really kind of just wondering out loud here, ‘Would bumping the One Percent’s share of the American pie from a little over 40 percent to maybe 50 or 60 do the trick for our Republican counterparts in these economic talks? How about 65? Seventy? Seventy-five?’

“Put another way, if the bottom 80 percent’s share dropped from the current five percent of the total to say maybe four percent or 3.5 or possibly three, would we see a loosening of this big jam we’re in?”

Said senior White House economic advisor Brett Bennett, “The American people, the Takers if you will, have what it takes to put up with a lot economically. Historically they have had an exceptionally high tolerance, in fact, for the rushing of the money upwards to the echelons above them.

“I mean, just in recent times, look how philosophically the Takers have taken the Makers’ taking almost 100 percent of the returns on the American Takers’ amazing jump in productivity.

“I think right now, though, the Takers would just like to know a little more specifically what it is that’s required of them to avert the financial catastrophe the Makers are all warning them about. I think maybe the Takers are a little worried that this time around the Makers intend to take everything.

“The Takers I talk to aren’t even sure what it would look like for them to have zero percent of the nation’s wealth. I mean, how do you even buy food? How do you pay for your commute to work?”

Said Mr. Carney, “It’s the not knowing. If the recent election told us anything it’s that as the American people keep looking forward with their leaders and not backward, they just want to be able to see clearly what austerity measures are in store for them so they can plan ahead.

“I really don’t think the president’s being too unreasonable here at all in asking Republicans to just simply let America know at what point this side of the 100 percent mark they’re comfortable with putting a ceiling on the Makers’ taking of the nation’s wealth. Is it 76 percent? Seventy-seven? Seventy-eight?

“The president strongly believes we owe it to the American people to let them know in no uncertain terms what they’re dealing with so they can start unleashing their American ingenuity in dealing with it. Will the Makers be taking 79 percent of the nation’s wealth? Eighty percent? Eighty-one? The Takers, understandably, would just like to know.”

In a related story, at an afternoon press conference White House spokesman Jay Carney wondered aloud whether 82 percent was the magic number. Or maybe 83. Or 84.

In more related news, late this afternoon White House press secretary Jay Carney hinted that 85 percent might be a figure the president could maybe live with, but absolutely not more than 86. Or maybe 87.

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