The US Department of Tyranny issued a statement today expressing hope that President Obama’s new push for gun control means the ball might start rolling again on the agency’s long-stalled plans for a totalitarian takeover of America.
“It’s been a long frustrating standoff with America’s gun-owners,” said DOT director Ned Blanco. “Luckily our budget’s tied to the Pentagon’s so we’ve actually seen huge increases in funding over all these years spent locked in a stalemate with the NRA.
“But the more state-of-the-art tanks and bombers and fighter jets and attack helicopters and automatic cannons and Hellfire missiles and Reaper and Predator drones and high-capacity grenade launchers we buy the worse we feel about the dust they’re all collecting as we languish in this deadlock with the Bushmaster and Bowie knife-armed militias and individuals keeping us at bay as cooler heads in our department keep prevailing over the gung ho types with the collective death wish.”
“It gets to you after a while,” said Monica Stark, head of Staff Development at the DOT. “It really hurts sometimes to hear these same armed patriots on the other side of this damned line in the sand go on and on about how government’s about as useful as tits on a boar and other hurtful things like that.
“It’s very hard sometimes not to feel almost like we all do deserve to be drowned in a bathtub for wasting our fellow Americans’ tax dollars. Some nights I lie awake wondering how the public would feel if they knew they were paying for DOT staff and management to fly to South Korea all the time to attend seminars on mental health maintenance in the tedious fray of a demilitarized zone.”
Explained one veteran rank and file DOT staff member, “All this chronic nonstop waiting for an opening in the NRA’s defenses makes for way too much time on our hands for getting caught up in all the gun-owners’ mind games.
“One minute they’re claiming the government couldn’t pour the piss out of a boot with the instructions on the bottom, and the next they’re calling the government so formidable that they need to keeping adding to their confounded arsenal of almost military grade rifles and pistols.
“It’s taunting pure and simple when they keep insisting that the government keep pouring unbelievable amounts of taxpayer money into the very defense weapons that would be used against them in the event that discretion ever stopped being the better part of valor here at the DOT.
“It all gets up in your head sometimes. Some days you just can’t shake the feeling that any minute now it’s them that are going to up and make the first move.”
Said DOT director Blanco, “It doesn’t help morale either that our private-sector counterparts over on Wall Street have pretty much already locked fascism into the fabric of our democracy.
“It feeds right into the whole narrative that the private guys are better than us when they so easily win the hearts and minds of the right-wing gun nuts. Well, technically they haven’t really won their hearts and minds. It’s really more like they found the off switches on them.