700 Dwarves Blow Whistles

A band of NSA and Booz Allen data miners calling themselves the 700 Dwarves have reportedly just leaked the highly classified intelligence that the government has just launched a counterintelligence offensive called Operation Snowden White in response to the highly classified intelligence that a band of NSA and Booz Allen data miners calling themselves the 700 Dwarves have launched an offensive to, in their words, “undermine” the government’s all out efforts to undermine the heroic act of whistleblowing by data miner Edward Snowden.

Said White House spokesman Jay Carney, “Now that everything’s criminally out in the open it’s safe to announce publicly that this administration sure hopes these treasonous little data miners took a canary along with them when they decided to go underground because as they obviously already know we’re going to work tirelessly to gas them out of this big dark hole they’re digging for themselves.

“And I don’t think it’s saying too much to say that these 700 little people insensitively calling themselves dwarves represent an infinitesimal fraction of the corps of good people mining America’s private information. What we’ve got here is a classic example of a one bad apple situation.”

Ironically using the thousands of top secret Twitter accounts now known to trace back to the so-called Whistleblowback wing of the Department of Homeland Security’s Division of Citizen Vilification, a dwarf with the code name Mouthy has been repeatedly tweeting “Hi Ho Hi Ho, motherf***er.”

In a series of unprintable tweets, Mouthy has also patched together a rambling “ho” laced rap song featuring the Evil Queen Obama and various unsavory permutations of the word ‘blow’ and also including a presumably fictitious dwarf named Donkey.

In a similar vein, a data miner code named Punsy has been filling the Twittersphere with tweets like “Dwarves going to keep whistleblowing your mind” and “Our boy Snow’s never whistleblowing over.”

For his or her part, a dwarf going by the name of Nosy has reportedly just shared with the Guardian’s Glenn Greenwald a phone conversation he/she personally intercepted between director of US National Intelligence James Clapper and Senator Dianne Feinstein, Chair of the US Senate Select Committee on Intelligence.

In this long, highly jocular private phone conversation periodically broken up by stretches of incapacitating laughter, Mr. Clapper is said to have feigned great concern about how he was going to keep his pants up with all this “lying of his ass off” about not having lied his ass off to Congress about whose private information the government is collecting and on what scale.

Senator Feinstein, after recovering from a jag of laughter, is said to have asked Mr. Clapper why he would want to keep a pair of pants on that were on fire.

In a quip made difficult to hear by the chortling on both ends of the line, Mr. Clapper is said to have asked Senator Feinstein to please hold while he stopped, dropped and rolled in the aisle while risibly pissing himself.

Toward the end of the conversation Senator Feinstein can reportedly be heard begging Mr. Clapper to stop as he goes on a roll about what a good thing it is that there’s no law against Congress lying about not being lied to by the people they have oversight over.

“You’re killing me, Jim,” the senator can be heard repeating as Mr. Clapper then begins hoping out loud that leaker Edward Snowden doesn’t take a page from his playbook and start claiming with a straight face that the triple negative in the oath he took to not unveil unconstitutionality meant he was supposed to unveil unconstitutionality.”

Unconfirmed reports are also coming in that Nosy has intercepted a Father’s Day bedtime exchange in the White House in which President Obama assures a very disappointed Sasha that he had his fingers crossed when he told America the obvious lie that he welcomes a conversation about the Orwellian Surveillance State he’s creating.

In more bad news for the president, a surveillance camera also reportedly captured the fingers crossed behind his back when he told his youngest daughter that he had his fingers crossed when he lied to the country.

Said Mr. Greenwald from the Guardian, “These geniuses in charge of Intelligence aren’t even intelligent enough to not get themselves tangled up in their own dragnet.

“Right now the only thing protecting the country is the lucky fact that any bunch of hopeless idiots too dumb to see the problem with creating an Orwellian Surveillance State is too dumb to create an Orwellian Surveillance State that doesn’t go the way of the poor nation the Orwellian Surveillance State is so stupidly supposed to be protecting.”