Friday, June 14, 2013

Patriot Acters Raise Stink

The private public relations firm recently hired by Booz Allen Hamilton on behalf of the sequester-strapped public public relations wing of the National Security Agency is now pleading with anti-whistleblower activists across the country to stop flooding the Surveillance State with complaints about all the fallout from the recent leak revealing the unbelievable scope of the Surveillance State.

Said Peter Blalock from the home office of The Corkers Group International, the self-styled worldwide leader in genie bottling, “We’re asking all members of the rapidly growing 527 group known as the Patriot Acters to please go back to doing just their normal amount of complaining on the Internet and on their cell and smart phones and in their face-to-face conversations and in their speeches about the traitors among us.

“For the good of America, the NSA is asking that everybody return to thinking of the vast repository where the Surveillance State’s gathered data goes as a big black box or a black hole as opposed to a bottomless, always-open complaint box.

“It only makes America less safe when Patriot Acters swamp the NSA and all its corporate partners and individual contractors with floods of input, no matter how helpful any individual instance of animated feedback might be by itself.

“The system, in other words, is not really equipped to handle such an explosion of patriot action at this time. There’s actually not an unlimited number of barely high school educated Americans looking for multiple six-figure salaries for moving to Hawaii and gathering data on the private communications of their fellow Americans, and the Obama administration is not prepared to start shipping these highly sensitive surveillance jobs overseas.”

Said Patriot Acter Brenda Udall, “We get that the Surveillance State is undermanned. I mean, duh. It obviously doesn’t even have enough data miners to surveil the data miners. But we think a thorough stress test is exactly what the doctor ordered now that this whistleblower has blown the lid off the holes in the system.

“And I’m going to make this next point nice and slowly so whoever at the NSA or one of its affiliates is listening in can be sure to make a full and complete note of it: we’re not likely anytime soon to stop putting in our two cents worth about what ought to be done to this leaker who’s let the terrorists know that all their communications are being monitored.

“And I just wish this genius leaker was still sitting in his palatial cubicle so he could hear me explain to him in nice, simple words that thanks to his little Constitution-saving crusade in his greatest role as a domino, the Surveillance State now has to take even more drastic measures to keep us safe until the next copy-cat domino comes along and blows the whistle to kick off the next wave of more drastic measures taken to keep us safe until along comes the next domino and so on until before you know it the Surveillance State is beginning to infringe on our constitutional rights.

“Hey all you data miners out there, do me a favor. Ask your buddy Ed this: Can you say ‘self-fulfilling prophesy?’

“Or better yet, tell him this for me: I guess the 3-page GED unit on American history didn’t quite cover the simple well-known fact that America’s always a better place when Americans don’t question America.”

In other breaking Surveillance State news, various sources are reporting that in the nation’s bedrooms, at its keyboards and workplaces, on its sidewalks, and in its bathroom and boudoir mirrors Americans are experiencing an epidemic of performance anxiety and other near-crippling issues in the wake of revelations that their every move is being watched.

Said one citizen who just laughed when Shining City Gazette offered her anonymity, “My poor husband can’t begin to get it up with Big Brother watching. You might as well call it Big Mother.

“And now I’ve got this great big immovable writer’s block between me and my social network. Have you seen how smart this whistleblower is? Do I really want a bunch of guys like him sitting around laughing behind my back at my grammar and spelling?

“And don’t get me started on my perfect record of fails when it comes to making myself presentable in the morning with a frat-house load of little twenty-something Big Brothers looking over my shoulder. I can hardly hear myself thinking I’m not good enough with all this stomping of my crow’s feet all over my self-esteem thanks to all the high definition surveillance cameras I now know are keeping a sharp eye on this fish bowl this Glenn Greenwald guy tossed us all into.

“If you’ve got his address in your reporter’s Rolodex I’d love to have it so I can send him my therapy bills.” 

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