Through an anonymous leak from the Surveillance State, Shining City Gazette has obtained the private letter that fugitive whistleblower Edward "Ed" Snowden recently sent to MSNBC's rising media star Melissa Harris-Perry in response to the open letter to him in which on her own TV show she stagily tells Mr. Snowden off for fleeing certain injustice and thereby getting in the way of her covering any of the unbelievably widespread government encroachment on the Fourth Amendment he uncovered before fleeing certain injustice.
Mr. Snowden's letter is printed here in its entirety:
This is Edward. You apparently know me as Ed. May I call you Mel? Thanks, Mel.
And thank you so much also, Mel, for your advice on how to make sure attention gets brought to our government's frightening abuse of its frightening privacy-invading powers. I don't know why I didn't think of turning to the Establishment Media for guidance in this matter from the very beginning.
And Mel, let me please just say I'm so sorry that my selfish attempts to avoid persecution by the corrupt government whose corruption I uncovered have gotten in the way of your covering our government's frightening abuse of its frightening surveillance powers.
May I request, however, that you maybe jot down a reminder to yourself to cover this abuse once our government has illegally caught me and rendered me unable to stand in the way of your reporting on all this government abuse (did somebody just say "rendered"?). And by "cover this abuse" I actually mean "report on it".
And may I please add, Mel, that if you've grown tired of not talking about our government's frightening abuse of its frightening surveillance powers, perhaps you could move on to not talking about how my giving up so much of what I love in refusing to submit to our government's frighteningly unjust conception of justice is shedding light on the new reality that even American citizens can no longer trust a single branch of their government to treat them legally.
You see, Mel, this way, my fugitive status wouldn't force you to make the story be about you being griped about me making the story be about me.
Oh and Mel, in the future, to save yourself the trouble of writing an open letter to yourself for making the unconstitutional surveillance story be about you by writing open letters to me about making the story be about me, just type your letters to me on any computer or dictate them into any phone or just go anywhere and say them out loud and my friends at Booz Allen will make sure I get them. You could actually just lip the words, believe it or not. Soon you will only have to think them.
And Mel, speaking of my friends at Booz Allen, they're having some difficulty finding any drafts of any open letters you're writing to James Clapper for trying (albeit somehow unsuccessfully) to make the story of illegal government surveillance be about him and his lying to Congress about illegal government surveillance.
And they're also, Mel, not finding any letters from you to the president of the United States glibly criticizing him for overseeing a formerly secret Surveillance State so egregious that a coward like me would blow the whistle on it and then escape unjust justice and thereby keep you from doing your job as a journalist by reporting on the so egregious Surveillance State in question. Actually, Mel, it's not in question at all.
Anyway, Mel, hope all's well over there in America.
In related news, Shining City Gazette has received word from an unnamed Booz Allen agent that MSNBC's rising media star Melissa Harris-Perry is now drafting an open letter to Shining City Gazette in which she stagily calls us out for printing Edward "Ed" Snowden's private letter to her and thereby distracting her from further reporting on Mr. Snowden's distracting her from reporting on the government's illegal surveillance program.
In even more Melissa Harris-Perry news, MSNBC's rising media star Melissa Harris-Perry's colleagues in the Establishment Media are reportedly beginning to wonder out loud if the completely nonsensical calling of attention to herself in calling for Mr. Snowden to stop calling attention to himself is a matter of her going way over the top on purpose to covertly expose the Establishment Media's commitment to running interference for the ruling class they're supposed to help hold in check.
Said media superstar David Gregory, "Sounds like she's blowing a dog whistle to me. I think the media watchdogs out there are picking her up loudly and clearly.
"If this once-divorced, slightly speech impaired implant from the Ivory Tower is secretly betraying the media, she should really find the courage to do it out in the open so we can cover it."
A spokesperson for a prominent media watchdog group, requesting anonymity to make it more difficult for the media to make the story be about him or her making the story be about him or her, told Shining City Gazette that if Melissa Harris-Perry is blowing any whistles "on her own pack of narcissistic Establishment Media lapdogs", nobody can hear it over "all the sound and fury of the toothless lapdog yip-fest that has done nothing but grow and grow ever since Edward Snowden let the latest big bad cat of Establishment criminality out of the bag."