An exhaustive ten-year inquest by an ecumenical team of the world's foremost authorities on divine and/or cosmic judgements has determined that Americans' various godheads and other powerful retributive forces have, after all, been and will continue to be holding the American people accountable for their nation's mortal post 9/11 sins against humanity such as the subjecting of their fellow woman and man and girl and boy to both large and small-scale slaughter, to dismemberment and other forms of maiming, to almost unbelievably widespread displacement, to physical torture and population-wide psychological torture by drones and other sources, to lifelong unwarranted detainment, to depleted uranium and white phosphorous poisoning and the relentless multi-generational specter thereof, and to a host of other known and as yet unknown and/or uncategorized horrors.
"As it turns out," said Dr. Shivani Patel, chair of the Karmic Studies department at Yale University, "9/11 didn't quite change everything. Human beings, American or otherwise, still can't with cosmic impunity have other human beings just go around on their behalf and slaughter and maim and torture and displace and inhumanely detain and genetically devastate other human beings.
"We can't quite yet say with 100% certainty that human beings after 9/11 can't without karmic and other repercussions ruthlessly persecute other human beings who disclose post 9/11 American acts of savagery and other kinds of sinfulness. But the preliminary data from our enquiries into recent whistle blowing cases is pointing decidedly in that direction."
Said Dr. Matthew Peterson from the Eternal Damnation Studies department at the College of William and Mary, "We've found unequivocally that there is no divine statute of limitations that saves a peoples if they can only let themselves be led long enough to believe that they don't need to feel guilty for all the horrific sins committed in their names.
"In fact, there's growing evidence that on their day of judgement the American people will pay dearly for the special circumstance of allowing the horrific sinfulness of their leaders to keep escalating by convincing themselves and allowing themselves to be convinced by others that all the horrific sins committed in their name are actually acts of righteousness.
"At any rate, for their part, Christian-Amerians should probably start facing the hard truth that there aren't enough bedtimes or Sundays left in most of their earthly lives to say enough Our Fathers and Hail Marys and Glory Bes to put a dent in the Old-Testament vengefulness their god has relapsed into in the face of his American children wallowing again in an olden day barbarity.
"We must keep in mind as well that all this unforgivable bloodthirsty American brutishness abroad comes at a time when greed and pride and wrath and envy and lying, cheating and stealing and trampling all over the poor and otherwise breaking the Golden Rule and not even thinking about forgiving the trespasses of others and hating and not loving not only our enemies but also our neighbors are running rampant at home.
"So anyway, all of us in the Christian tradition are in a real hole with respect to what the afterlife holds. A rather warm hole."
"That's just great," said Christian-American Ted Davenport from Ohio, "I spend a whole lifetime devoted to the teachings and examples of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and now I'm going to hell just because I was on board with all my country's slaughtering and maiming and torturing and displacing and inhumanely detaining and genetically wrecking generations of my fellow man and woman.
"It's just not fair. Even those of us who suspected at some level that what our country's been doing isn't right thought the price for all the evil would be paid by the soldiers and CIA agents and maybe their civilian leaders and these leaders' corporate leaders and definitely all the media personalities who've been selling the whole thing to us as perfectly normal in a post 9/11 world.
"So here I am now doomed to go from the frying pan of a minuscule threat of terrorism into the fires of hell and I'm way too busy keeping my small business thriving in this tricky economy to even begin to say all the prayers and do all the good works it would take to buy myself a little divine leniency.
"My only hope now is to throw myself at the mercy of St. Peter, who by the way is also going to get an earful from me about where to send the likes of Brian Williams and David Gregory and Ed Schultz and every damn one of the talking snakes on Fox News."
In related news, President Obama today used the occasion of another public statement on the Trayvon Martin case to announce an "exciting new tool" in the Global War on the Threat of Terrorism. Called Operation Stand Your Airspace, the new program substantially lowers the threat level that triggers the drone bombing of patterns of questionable Muslim behavior.
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