Friday, July 12, 2013

Elite Purchasing Power Unleashed

In a transaction reportedly making the Louisiana Purchase look like the acquisition of a postage stamp, a limited partnership of Plutocrat-Americans has just bought up all the vast expanses of social distance between the ruling elite and the rest of America.

This so-called "Deal of the Century So Far" is just the latest spectacular example of the course conspicuous spending has taken in America now that the fantastic irresistible purchasing power of its richest citizens is stretching beyond recognition the human conception of what's salable.

Said Rick Simmons, the so-called unreal estate agent who brokered the sale of all this social swampland now being called the Mother of All Moats, "Oh my god, anybody out there who can sew could singlehandedly reintroduce upward mobility into the system by making billions patching up the unbelievably gaping holes left by all the money burning the pockets of these incomprehensibly big spenders.

"Seriously. These guys are turning us old fashioned free-market go-getters into regular tree huggers saving the global climate by giving these pyromaniacs something else to do with all that money they have to burn."

Among the exclusive new goods and services the elite can now go shopping for on Easy Street is an insurance policy that protects their unprecedented illustriousness against any and all backlashes against this Gilded Age that the masses may yet find the courage to wage in the decades or centuries to come. Image groomers and their progeny and the progeny of their progeny are now reportedly being retained to usher the legacies of the nation's best and brightest as far into the future as the natural devaluation of a dollar over time allows.

According to sources, one of the pricier packages includes the super slow motion unnoticed morphing of the faces on US currency and on iconic public statues and monuments like Mount Rushmore into the likeness of a client.

For a reportedly astronomical fee the elite can now even experience the novelty of paying corporate taxes.

Said Elizabeth Sanders, founder of a very popular boutique where the elite can buy the unconditional love of a deceased mom or dad, "Most of these people made their billions out of thin air anyway, so they really don't bat an eye when they're buying the kinds of pretty rarefied products popping up on the market.

"I'm actually thinking about starting up an imagination emporium modeled after those Sky Mall magazines you see on commercial airline flights. I've got an unemployed uncle who's going to use his background as an engineer to start a business turning all the clocks in super rich people's mansions and on their persons back to a time in human history before Pride and Greed were added to the Five Deadly Sins."

Said consumer protection activist Ralph Nader, "It looks to me like all the smartest guys and gals in the room are being hit by a wave of good old fashioned scamming.

"But hey, if it takes putting the shoe of charlatanism on the other foot to re-redistribute the wealth in America, I'm all for it."

In more plutocrat news, the beleaguered Obama administration is announcing that it has reached some middle ground it believes will satisfy both the privacy-seeking American people and the corporate stakeholders in the Surveillance State.

At a morning press conference, White House spokesman Jay Carney told reporters that the American public can now purchase minutes of surveillance-free communication. Also now for sale are the records of having bought these suspicious surveillance-free minutes.

According to Mr. Carney, however, the president, "in the interest of holding the line against those who would do harm to America," will not be authorizing the sale of the records of the sale of the records of the purchase of these minutes spent outside the Surveillance State.

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