Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Pope Blasts Obama Trespass

At the Vatican, Pope Francis has issued a statement condemning America in the "strongest terms possible" for its reportedly having warned God not to even think about intervening on behalf of fugitive whistleblower Edward Snowden.

According to reports, the infallible papal statement characterizes the Obama administration's premonishment of God as a grievous if not a mortal insult to His almighty sovereignty, not to mention a clear violation of natural and divine and possibly international law or at least etiquette.

The Argentinian Pope also spent an infallible paragraph conjecturing that if he were of European and not Latin American descent there's no way the Obama administration would have so trampled all over his papal bailiwick.

In terms perhaps even stronger than possible, the Pontiff went on to condemn the widely rumored cyber scrambling of the air space over all the world's Christians in a bid to keep their prayers on behalf of Mr. Snowden from even reaching the ears of Our Heavenly Father.

Said the Pope in his statement, "In their singleminded merciless pursuit of one of God's children, the Americans are willing to render our Lord and Protector deaf to all his other children's petitions.

"Whose guiding hand will now make the football matches come out in a supplicant's favor? Who now will deliver the birthday ponies? Who at bedtime will bless the mommies and daddies and brothers and sisters and dogs and cats and guinea pigs and parakeets? Who will forgive the trespasses of all the trespass forgivers?

"One begins to wonder what happened to the Americans' hearts and minds. How could they not have thought of simply folding their hands and closing their eyes and begging the Lord to deliver Mr. Snowden into their custody?"

Said White House spokesman Jay Carney, "With all due respect for the infallibility of Mr. Francis, with regard to beseeching God through regular channels for the delivery of Mr. Snowden into our custody, why should we bother competing with masses so to speak of rosary-wielding anti-American Latin Americans rattling off pater nosters in a language built for speed?

"The other thing is, our legal team is having some trouble finding the commandment that says 'Thou shalt not tell the Lord Thy God to keep his nose out of your business when it comes to protecting yourself against one among you who would question your all-seeing and knowing benevolence.'

"I hate to sound impious, but God's just going to have to get used to the idea that he's not the only omniscience game in town anymore.

"And with respect to the scrambling of the air space over Christian heads, let me just say that while we're not confirming or denying that an Operation Don't Go There exists, we are prepared to announce that we may or may not have almost finished work on a filter that would allow most if not all non-pro-Snowden-related supplications, particularly in times of life or death crisis and championship level sports series, to travel unimpeded if not unmonitored to the ears of God."

In related news, tensions have escalated between Russia and the US as President Vladimir Putin has refused to punish or even condemn the confederation of Sheremetyevo Airport Transit Area day and night laborers who are openly defying America's explicit will to keep the movements of former Surveillance State agent Edward Snowden "confined to a space that a Soviet bloc shot-putter turned Aeroflot stewardess couldn't even stuff an article of Mr. Snowden's overhead luggage into."

According to sources, with complete impunity Mr. Snowden has been crossing the beats of one private airport security cop after another as he has breezed into and out of the domains of washroom attendants and lounge hosts and hostesses and non-smoking and smoking area custodians and food court managers alike.

When asked by a United Press International reporter if she will continue resisting US pressure to join the global effort to isolate Mr. Snowden, Oksana Belova, manager of the Sheremetyevo Cinnabon, said, "Of course I will. What do I look like, Spain? France? Portugal? The a**-sucking spawn of a jellyfish and something truly spineless, like the two-faced a**-sucking head of an American puppet state?"

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