Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Obama Pushes Government Personhood

In little reported judicial news, a case working its way through the courts may well soon decide whether or not the American government is in fact a person.

Based on information rumored to have been obtained through the judge-sanctioned adjudication-free illegal surveillance of the US adjudication system, the Obama administration is certain enough of an ultimately favorable outcome to have begun a full court press so to speak in getting the American people used to the idea of their government legally immigrating as a person to America from the realm of the inanimate.

Said Obama spokesman Jay Carney at a morning press conference, "We have very good reason to believe that thanks to an eventual 5-4 Supreme Court ruling in the United States v. Non-corporate Citizens United we will all soon be welcoming into our big democratic melting pot a new Abstraction-American well known already by everyone as Government.

"We the persons should all be proud. We, after all, gave birth to this dogged entity whose unrelenting upward mobility, particularly in recent years, is a true American success story.

"Ipso facto, of course, and by the commutative property of arithmetic, or maybe it's the associative or maybe distributive property, this all means that each of us traditional Person-Americans will also be a government and should thus be subject to the checks and balances that keep government working on behalf of and not against the American persons.

"It also of course means we now must all direct our healthy American distrust of government at one another and must each of us put up with the moderately inconvenient but extremely indispensable transparency that will keep us from abusing the power we come into as governments.

"We need to start thinking, for instance, about making the Freedom of Information Act go both ways.

"And with all due respect to aging former one-term president Jimmy Carter, he's dead wrong when he says America has no functioning democracy. How can he say that while Government, Corporations, and people are all coming coequally together as one under the democratic banner of personhood?"

Conservative groups have been quick to argue that the last thing America needs is another foreigner with a pathway to citizenship and/or personhood. "If anything," said Fox News contributor Laura Ingraham, "we need to start taking personhood away from some peoples who already have it."

Even more quickly, a host of Obama partisan groups ranging from The Vocal Obamajority to Democracy Now and Then! have hailed the endorsement of Government personhood as pure political genius.

Said Janet Pentz from the already formed Obama support group We the Governments, "As per usual, President Obama has put the right in a real bind. He's giving them their wish to shrink government to the size of something that fits in a bathtub, but that something he's shrinking government to the size of is a person. Not even the right wingers would drown a person--not in the middle of this right-to-life battle to the death they're waging."

For their part, a coalition of Taker-American groups is expressing doubt about the wisdom of opening the nation's door to another would-be Abstraction-American.

Said the coalition's Allen Greenberg, "Isn't anybody bothering to consider what kind of person a new Government-American is likely to be? I mean, what are the odds he doesn't turn out to be a big white plutocracy-curious dickhead from the Maker class? What democratic society's border patrol decides to roll out the big red welcome mat for an undesirable like that?

"And how much do you want to bet that nobody ends up ever seeing the new government person in the same room at the same time with any of these new Corporate-Americans who turned out to be such great persons?"

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