The Obama administration today began refusing to confirm or deny reports that in anticipation of a possible Romney win in the recent election it began crafting a legal framework for the executive branch’s intuitional killing of worldwide targets without limits or oversight or checks or balances or transparency or any kind of legal or constitutional or moral or ethical constraints or safeguards.
At a morning press conference White House spokesman Jay Carney said to reporters, “Think about it. Why would a president confirm or deny a course of action regarding a course of action he didn’t have to confirm or deny he was taking? Seriously. Do you really think I’m going to say whether the president is codifying killings I won’t even say he’s committing?”
In response to Mr. Carney’s perceived stonewalling, one reporter asked the press secretary if he would please at least confirm or deny the rumor that it wasn’t a legal architecture for all his extra-legal killings the president was putting together but a list of helpful tips for the person who would eventually inherit his or her own presidential killer drone program.
A visibly exasperated Mr. Carney then partly confused, partly placated the press corps when he told them, “You know I can’t do that, but what I will do for you is confirm and deny the rumor.”
The source of the rumor in question is a document Wikileaks has reportedly obtained that purportedly lists the president’s sometimes epigrammatical suggestions for the future inheritor of his license to kill.
According to an anonymous source inside the Ecuadorian embassy in London, the list includes the following helpful pointers:
1. Periodically report that you are taking full and complete responsibility for your killer drone program, but only after periodically refusing to admit that you have a killer drone program.
2. Whether it’s taking a true or false quiz or deciding whether or not to drop bombs on questionable patterns of behavior, always go with your first choice.
3. Whether it’s playing basketball or dropping bombs on questionable patterns of behavior, when you’re in the zone, don’t hold back.
4. Never flip a coin to decide whether or not to drop a bomb on a questionable pattern of behavior, but if you do, always go with heads.
5. Remember that it’s sometimes better to just kick the dog or punch a wall or count to ten or walk around the block than drop a bomb on a questionable pattern of behavior.
6. It is unseemly to commemorate kills with notches or decals of any kind on any article of office or bedroom furniture.
7. In times of doubt about the humanity of dropping bombs on questionable patterns of behavior and nearby non-questionable patterns of behavior, just remember that you have a Nobel Peace prize if you have one.
8. If you don’t have a Nobel Peace prize, just remember that the American public loves dropping bombs on questionable patterns of behavior.
In a related story, in an afternoon press conference White House spokesman Jay Carney today refused to confirm or deny reports that the gang of suspects in the unconfirmed or denied leaking of the president’s list of helpful tips for what some are beginning to call the next Hit-Man-or-Woman-in-Chief are now on the president’s so-called kill list.